Q: Are you a robot?
A: Are you for real?
Q: Let's move on. Is everything a joke to you?
A: Cancer isn't funny. I wrote a story on Hillary Clinton dying of cancer after the election and showed it around the office. No one thought it was funny, so I changed it to Hillary Chokes On Quail, Dies which got some laughs, but only because I left 'on' out in the first draft.
Q: So you're not funny?
A: No.
Q: Tell us about your childhood. What was it like growing up in a house where everything was made up and nothing really mattered?
A: It was great. I had an imaginary friend called Breitbart, and my mom and dad used to prance around in bed sheets with holes in them so could see where they were going. They said it was a church thing, which I never really understood since we burned crosses in the neighbours' gardens. I bunked school a lot on account of the cerebral palsy that paralysed me from the neck down on Mondays and Fridays.
Q: Do you think the cerebral palsy turned you into the reclusive sociopath you are today?
A: That was a made up story. Keep up.
Q: Do you ever watch or read real news?
A: I watch a lot of PNN and GNN depending on the disaster movie I'm watching at the time. Ron Burgundy is an excellent source for vintage stories and straight-up lifestyle stuff. For inside scoops, I head down to the old age home or embed myself at the local pub. My readers enjoy the biased views of middle-aged white men with their brains soaked in alcohol because, guess what, they relate. People don't care about the bigger picture anymore. Object... ah... what's that word? When you're not biased?
Q: Objective.
A: That's it. Objective news is dead, man. People want to know they're right because everyone around them says the same thing. Mark Zuckerberg knows what I'm talking about.
Q: You spend a lot of time sitting. Any advice for young fake news writers out there trying to cut it in the big leagues?
A: Get up and walk around. Copy pasting real news articles to change them can be time consuming. Even more so when you consider the amount of time wasted on copy pasting fake news articles you thought was real to begin with. There's so much of it out there. Check the sources and see if it has been published by other fake news sites. That's how you know it's fake.
Q: Do you ever worry you'll be prosecuted?
A: Oh, I'm ready to run at a drop of the hat. No really, one knock at the door and I'm out of here.
Q: What's your favourite running shoes?
A: Abidas is a great brand.