It is happening, people – our annual battle with the snow is on the horizon.
We might not have got the magical white Christmas break we wanted, but the freezing weather has shown up as we’re all back at work to ensure maximum possible disruption.
1. Expectation: You will wake up one morning to a surprise blanket of snow outside your window.
Reality: You panic as the internet tells you to expect a weather apocalypse.
2. Expectation: Your garden will be covered by a thick blanket of white joy.
Reality: There is a pathetic dusting of snow, covering up black ice that wants to break all your bones.
3. Expectation: You will feel like you are living in a Pinterest fairytale.
Reality: The snow just clumps in scummy piles on the pavement.
4. Expectation: You will spend the day throwing snowballs and making hot chocolate.
Reality: You have to go to work dressed as a human penguin.
5. Expectation: You will frolic in the garden and build a snowman.
Reality: You live in a first-floor-flat and your only option is to play in a bus lane.
6. Expectation: You will curl up by a wood-burning fire and Hygge the shit out of your home.
Reality: This is the exact moment your boiler chooses to break down.
7. Expectation: You will be dressed appropriately in layers of finest wool and cashmere.
Reality: Your shoes aren’t waterproof and you’ve lost one of your gloves.
8. Expectation: You will spend hours slow cooking stews, dumplings and piping hot jacket potatoes.
Reality: You can only get to the corner shop so live on Monster Munch and gin for three days.
9. Expectation: You will glide to work on skis or reindeer.
Reality: All public transport becomes completely worthless.
10. Expectation: You will want it to stay like this for the rest of the winter.
Reality: You can’t wait for it to all melt.