Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from mums and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Me: What should you do if you see smoke?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 24, 2019
6-year-old: Ask what you're cooking.
Took my kids out to dinner because apparently I forgot my kids love fighting with each other more than eating.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 25, 2019
Dads love saying "Can't get very far without these" when they come right back in the house after forgetting their car keys
— The Dad (@thedad) April 24, 2019
You think you’re going to have a pretty normal day and then your 5-year-old announces she only walks backwards now.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 20, 2019
Why is it called bribing your child and not kid pro quo?
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 22, 2019
At some point, you will reach a "Driving to pick up your kids from practice barefoot" level of parenting.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 25, 2019
My kids ate 1 million grams of sugar yesterday. Shout out to all the teachers today. Godspeed.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 22, 2019
As long as you sing to the tune of "You Are my Sunshine," you can literally say anything you want to a baby. I just vented all my frustrations and she still fell asleep. Best therapy ever.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 23, 2019
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
— Just J (@junejuly12) April 22, 2019
Hey parents, remember sleeping in? That shit was wild, right.
— Karlie Hustle (@THEkarliehustle) April 24, 2019
My kid’s soccer roster looks less like a group of 8 year olds and more like a band of dwarves in Lord of the Rings.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 24, 2019
Pasta is just an elaborate delivery mechanism for my kids to eat a pound of Parmesan cheese
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) April 24, 2019
Thoughts & prayers requested for my 6y.o, who experienced the devastation of drawing the cupcake card in Candyland that sends him back to start.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 25, 2019
Lady on the phone: it sounds like you’re in the car. Should I call at a better time?
— Celeste Yvonne (@andwhatamom) April 23, 2019
Me: are you kidding? My kids are strapped in. This is the ONLY time to call.
Doing dishes:
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) April 25, 2019
Horrible drudgery of a job that has no end.
Doing dishes as a parent:
I will gladly scrape, wash and polish each dish until it shines with the light of a million suns if it means a break from managing this TEEMING HIVE of MISCHIEF-FERRETS!!
Welcome to parenthood: Matching socks are a thing of the past now.
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) April 23, 2019
KIDDO: I love ketchup. It tastes like tasty blood.
— JΛCQUΞS (@jnyemb) April 22, 2019
ME: ... pic.twitter.com/EUUZzHGL1U
90% of a toddler's teeth-brushing process involves falling off a stool.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 25, 2019
It took my toddler so long to pick a spoon for dinner, she forgot what she was doing, I forgot what I was doing, and we just stood there staring at each other until she left.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) April 26, 2019