And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life – and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 22 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My husband said the new throw pillows I bought really tie the whole room together, so if you’re wondering how many years of marriage it takes to wear down a husband, it’s 14.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 24, 2021
It’s very rude of my wife to not tell me what the PTA meeting was about, which both of us attended— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 29, 2021
I borrowed my husband's truck. While I was out I saw his exact vehicle with a big dent in the side. I took a photo of it, texted it to him and simply wrote, "Oops".— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 4, 2021
I wish Jolene would come and take my man to Costco so I don’t have to go.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 3, 2021
thoughts and prayers for my wife. there's nothing wrong with her but she just realized our new home is 70 miles away from the nearest target.— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 28, 2021
Ensure you have at least one super high maintenance friend so when your spouse takes issue with you you can say, “Imagine being married to Helen …”— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) October 6, 2021
Works every time.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account and her social security number, but walks in the kitchen every time I'm loading the dishwasher "to get something."— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 6, 2021
Our flight has been delayed 3 hours and I, as well as all the other wives on this flight know, somehow this is all our fault.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) September 24, 2021
Just saw the new Venom movie, also known as 90 minutes of my wife saying “ooh” every time Tom Hardy is on screen.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 3, 2021
She loves me— Brother Ben (@SentenceReduced) September 30, 2021
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
My husband just said age is only a number but he's glad mine is higher than his— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) October 1, 2021
I put my wife first before anything.— .🟢. (@iGreenGod) September 30, 2021
Especially when it comes to paying the electricity bill.
Being seductive after 40 is unhooking your wife's bra on the first try without having to put on your readers.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) September 29, 2021
The good thing about having a husband who never listens is being able to say “I already told you that.”— Darla (@ddsmidt) October 3, 2021
Whether you did or not, he’ll never know the difference.
Using your spouse to get out of plans is reason enough to get married.— Jawbreaker 🎃👻🍬 (@sixfootcandy) October 2, 2021
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I wear socks with my sandals with her in public.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) October 1, 2021
My wife used to give the silent treatment until she learned that I loved it.— Forward March (@RunOldMan) October 6, 2021
FYI you guys, my husband drove my car today & let me know that Starbucks straw wrappers do NOT belong in the side of the door.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 23, 2021
The more you know.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 26, 2021
Husband: How much did we spend?
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
My husband: Can we talk about something?— Basic AF (@basic_afbitch) September 30, 2021
Me: (Frantically searching for the emergency eject button)