Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Every week, HuffPost rounds up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents for more!
I made broccoli and salmon with homemade sugar cookies and the baby just wanted the broccoli and salmon...paternity test coming right up
— Trey (@treydayway) February 19, 2023
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 22, 2023
me: no, there's no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Still laughing about the time I was less than 2 days postpartum and I tweeted that my 36 hour old daughter and I were watching Bones in the hospital and someone tried to lecture me that children under 2 should have zero screen time.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) February 23, 2023
One of the main parts of being a dad or husband is just waiting in the car.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 21, 2023
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 20, 2023
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) February 23, 2023
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) February 21, 2023
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
many years ago, I had a meeting with my God son's teacher, she was worried about his speech development bc according to her " he NEVER speaks", I asked him - " Gabo, what's going on?" he looked up from his book & calmly said " Oh I just don't have anything to say to that woman"
— ر ت ت ت (@raniawrites) February 19, 2023
Parenting means not saying anything when your kid squirts half a bottle of dish soap onto the sponge to wash one dish because it’s rare and you don’t want to scare them away.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) February 21, 2023
You can have kids or you can have a complete set of silverware.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 22, 2023
But you can’t have both.
Me: it’s time to go
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) February 20, 2023
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
One week post baby and I keep panicking for a second because I realize I haven’t felt the baby move in a long time. Because she’s in the livingroom.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) February 19, 2023
me: the kids have been home for 6 days in a row im ready for them to go back to school tomorrow
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 22, 2023
school: TOO BAD WE ARE CLOSING BECAUSE THERES 40% CHANCE OF SNOW
Tried to help my 9yo with math homework and decided I’d be more successful baptizing a cat.
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) February 21, 2023
Take your kids to visit a new place with lots of things to see so they can complain about the snacks at the hotel.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) February 23, 2023
I’m just typing this to show my teenage daughter I trust her enough to not pay attention when she drives us but I’m pretty terrified rn.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 22, 2023
I just want to believe in anything as much as my 5yo, who after seeing 1/16 of an inch of snow outside, now believes Christmas is coming in February.
— My Life Is The Pitts Family (@LifePitts) February 21, 2023
Talking about whether she’ll get married some day and my 11 y/o daughter said she probably would “so a puppy can bring the rings down the aisle on his back” and this is already a better reason than many of my friends had for getting married.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) February 21, 2023
One thing I’ve never understood about being a parent is how I can go to work and still find a kid’s sock in my coat pocket. Just one. pic.twitter.com/fCE3Wkp1XS
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) February 20, 2023
Nothing like your child waking you up in the night because her stuffed unicorn is looking at her funny
— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) February 20, 2023
Me, before kids: I'm going to be one of those moms that always looks put together.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) February 21, 2023
Me, today: Realized that I was wearing my slippers while shopping at Target.
Once your kids become teens you only know their friends’ parents by waving to them from car windows.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 20, 2023
When I die just place a note on my casket for my kids that says “yes, there’s a $20 in my wallet.”
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) February 20, 2023