Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
Me: Yes, you were in my belly.
— Renée Agatep (@GoingByRenee) November 3, 2021
3yo: Why...
*tears in her eyes*
...why did you eat me?
Parenting is missing your kids when they’re asleep, and missing your sanity when they’re awake
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 3, 2021
My daughter came home with $20 she didn’t have before and I asked her where she got it. It turns out she’s the Walter White of Halloween candy
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) November 3, 2021
Going away on a business trip and my 7yo is very sad because “there won’t be anyone to reach the high things,” if you’re wondering how important I am.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) November 1, 2021
The irony of my daughter having a biting and scratching filled tantrum while wearing a sparkly green peace sign shirt
— Science Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) November 4, 2021
My toddler didn’t crawl into our bed last night and now I’m trying to figure out what to do with the extra space, maybe a mini bar?
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) November 4, 2021
I caught my husband eating the last Reese’s candy. First of all, that’s our son’s candy. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 1, 2021
Babies love to call another baby a baby
— Ryan Ken (they/them) (@Ryan_Ken_Acts) November 4, 2021
10yo to his friend’s dad: and what’s your costume?
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) November 1, 2021
Friend’s dad: i’m dressed as a werewolf but it’s not a full moon so I just look like a regular guy
I don’t secretly steal my kids’ Halloween candy. I eat it right in front of them while maintaining eye contact. Total power move.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 1, 2021
My daughter is making me vote today because she dislikes one of her friend’s dad who is running for school board
— 🔪🔪🔪bЯyan🔪🔪🔪 (@murderxbryan) November 2, 2021
Have you ever spent over an hour trying to put your 5yo back to sleep at 3am and then, when you think she’s finally asleep and you make your way towards the door managing to avoid all the floor creaks, you hear, “I’m not sleeping”? Scarier than the scariest movie.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) October 31, 2021
5 came running out of her playroom proclaiming she just saved the world so you’re welcome, everyone.
— Marissa 💚🍂💛 (@michimama75) November 3, 2021
“You need to unsharpen your legs.”
— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) November 2, 2021
- My 6 yr old, lovingly curled up against my unshaven calf
When our eldest daughter was 4, she asked me how come she doesn’t remember when her dad and I got married. I said, because your weren’t there.
— Tanya Callender Moncur🇧🇸, 2nd to the Last Jedi (@TanyaMoncur) November 4, 2021
She cried because she thought we didn’t invite her. I still find it hilarious.
9 y/o daughter invented a recess game called, “Kindness Matters,” where she tallies acts of kindness and reportedly finished the day in 1st place which goes to show that kindness and being the scorekeeper truly matter.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) November 3, 2021
7 wished me a happy Diwali and then asked if we're "setting fire to the front porch," anyway I may have gone a bit overboard with the lamps this year.
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) November 4, 2021
What’s it like having 4 boys?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 3, 2021
My son just threw a waffle into the ceiling fan so he could see what would happen, with all of his brothers cheering him on.
Send help.
me: you need long pants on
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 4, 2021
8, in shorts: it's fine
me: it's 32 degrees.
8: no it's not
me: fine go outside
8: [outside and trying not to shiver] it's warm.
Me: I only send my mother-in-law pics of the kids in portrait mode
— meghan (@deloisivete) November 4, 2021
Them: because it really captures their sparkling eyes?
Me: because it blurs the messy backgrou…yes, the eye thing
My son just told me I smell like “the front part of Macy’s” so looks like my transition to old lady is almost complete.
— Susie Meister (@susie_meister) November 2, 2021
Welcome to parenthood. Now, more than ever, you can relate to Charlie Brown trying to kick that football.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) November 3, 2021