Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
— Kaitlyn Greenidge (@surlybassey) January 31, 2022
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
— Renée Agatep (@GoingByRenee) January 29, 2022
Him: You... just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I woke up, saw my toddler’s shadow, and predicted 6 more cups of coffee.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 2, 2022
I told my 6 yo we were having sandwiches for dinner. He told me he did too much homework to be eating a sandwich for dinner.
— Mom | Sleep & Wellness (@themultiplemom) February 2, 2022
💀💀💀🤣🤣😂
Sorry I’m late for work. The sidewalks were lava again
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) February 2, 2022
-my 5yo if she had a job
I just want to have the confidence of my kid answering “I know, I know” before immediately forgetting what I just said.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 30, 2022
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 30, 2022
parenting is hard but so rewarding! like this morning I told my three year old “I love you honey” and she looked up at me with her sweet little face and said “I don’t love you. i only love daddy, and dinosaurs.”
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) February 2, 2022
Parenthood is mostly wanting to sleep. But before you can, you have to make sure other people who never want to sleep fall asleep.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 3, 2022
Babies love to sweep everything off the tray of their high chair onto the ground while yelling at everyone in sight, like tiny angry police captains from crime shows.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) February 1, 2022
*Joins Facebook moms group for support. Stays for the fights.
— MommyCocktail (@MommyCocktail) January 31, 2022
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
— LibertyLayne (@LibertyLayne01) February 3, 2022
“Why did I even have a birthday then?!”
— uri5el (@zebrasyndicate) January 31, 2022
-my 5yo upon learning he would not immediately begin kindergarten
My son's friend took out the garbage for me because he "noticed it was full."
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) February 1, 2022
Looks like I do have a favorite child.
my kids, who HATE mushrooms, onions, and celery just ate the veggie pot pie i made chock-full of them…
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 30, 2022
lesson number 156: kids are full of shit
When grandpa asked my 4yo what he wanted to be when he grew up, I was not expecting the answer to be “a cat”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) January 30, 2022
My 14 yo just told me I was embarrassing her. We were the only two people in the room.
— Upside Dad (@UpsideDad) February 3, 2022
Parenting achievement unlocked.
parenting involves spending a lot more on phone chargers than i had anticipated
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 1, 2022
My kids finding Cotton Eyed Joe on Alexa and declaring it a new favorite must be some karmic recalibration for my past life bullshit.
— CynicalTherapist (@CynicalTherapi1) February 2, 2022
7 told me today that my hair looks like I have "thousands of spiderwebs" coming out of my head, how's your day going?
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) January 31, 2022
Parents be like, “No you can’t have candy for breakfast!” and then give them lucky charms instead.
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) January 31, 2022
It’s my husband. He’s the parent.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
— Evangeline Provost (@evangeline_dawn) February 1, 2022
Child (10): Why do people like to eat chili in the winter?
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) February 3, 2022
Child (8): Because they’re cold and then they can fill their blankets with farts.
can u believe its only 10:20a? this is to people w a child in their house
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) January 30, 2022