Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents in Twitter for more!
We're watching Shrek as a family and at the moment when Fiona turned from a woman into an ogre, my 2yo pointed to the TV and said "now she's a mom."
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) May 15, 2022
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
— Dadology (@Dadology_) May 15, 2022
There is a lot to process with this new parental verification on my child’s iPad. pic.twitter.com/OKw7fXDuXc
— Victoria Haneman (@TaxLawProf) May 18, 2022
Me *overhearing my neighbor's 3 yr old daughter having a mega tantrum: So glad I'm past the toddler years
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) May 14, 2022
Teen: Screams, slams their bedroom door, storms off down the stairs and screams one more time
Also Me: The irony of this moment is not lost on me
Picked up my 6 yo from a play date and the first thing he said as we got in the car was “THEY ARE DEFINITELY RICHER THAN WE ARE!!”
— Daisy (@Daisyldoo) May 14, 2022
My 4yo pronounces peanut butter as "peed-a-butter" and that is now how that is pronounced from here on in, and I will not be taking questions on the matter.
— Michael Vogel (@MichaelVogel1) May 15, 2022
Played tag at an empty park with my 7 year old daughter and as she ran away from me screaming, I thought wow, this looks like a kidnapping.
— The Cisco Kid Er (@TheCiscoKidder) May 16, 2022
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) May 15, 2022
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) May 18, 2022
My 6-year-old: I can't sleep
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) May 17, 2022
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM...?
My pregnant wife asked for an Oreo so I brought her a single Oreo. Apparently this was a gross miscalculation on my part
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) May 16, 2022
Forgot to wear a hazmat suit when cleaning out my son’s backpack this morning and now I need a tetanus shot
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) May 18, 2022
Once I finished assembling the bookshelf my 7YO said, “give your-shelf a pat on the back for a great job”
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 16, 2022
Now, she’s the World’s Best Dad
My son just woke up from his nap SOBBING and I asked what was the matter and he said, still crying, “I love trains.”
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 16, 2022
How do I get my child to stop playing with my belly fat in public? Is it leave her in the woods? Feels like the solution is to leave her in the woods.
— smartass_moms (@smartass_moms) May 15, 2022
7 showed me things he wanted to buy on amazon. his cart showed $984.31 and i acted as if i had to defuse a bomb. NOBODY MOVE. do not hit that submit button. careful with that cursor son.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 19, 2022
This girl 😭 should I compile all the selfies she takes in my phone and gift them to her when she’s older pic.twitter.com/xQw6prGwtz
— Victoria Monét (@VictoriaMonet) May 15, 2022
Daughter found out her teacher’s aide moved in nearby and she has been glued to the window watching his house. Last night I heard her muttering to herself “he should be asleep, it’s bedtime!”
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) May 16, 2022
I live closer to my sons school now. Lets see if I can actually get him there on time
— Wiz Khalifa (@wizkhalifa) May 18, 2022
my five year old would like to inform everyone she consumed mushrooms in her stir fry this evening and will now cease to exist. unless theres ice cream later.
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 16, 2022
my kid is crying because there’s no volume control on the blender and now we’re all crying because why isn’t there?
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) May 14, 2022
Bragged about my solo parenting skills yesterday so today the balance was set right and while I was having a shower my toddler found my husband’s electric razor and shaved a chunk of her hair off. V punk obviously but otherwise, truly fucked me up
— amil (@amil) May 15, 2022
Took my kids to a KISS concert last night, where my son kept complaining about the smelly feet of the group sitting next to us who decided to go barefoot.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) May 18, 2022
In unrelated news, my son doesn't know what weed smells like.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) May 17, 2022
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org