Kids may say the silliest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter every week to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
6yo told me he learned about a painter called Vingo Vango in school, and it took me a beat longer than I care to admit to figure that out
— meghan (@deloisivete) December 3, 2022
Just found out husband has been getting toddler to listen to Tom Waits by telling him it's the Cookie Monster
— Kate Havard Rozansky (@KateHavard) December 5, 2022
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) December 6, 2022
If you enjoy calming a screaming child who thought carpool involved swimming in cars then parenting might be for you
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) December 4, 2022
I bought a second tiny Christmas tree for my kids to decorate so they don’t fuck up mine again this year.
— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) December 5, 2022
my six year old is a terrible speller but my husband is teaching her how to pronounce worcestershire so at least she will have street smarts
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) December 6, 2022
Took my kid to the zoo and his favourite animals were the stuffed ones in the zoo store
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) December 6, 2022
My son is arguing with my husband about a math problem. My husband is an engineer. My son is in 4th grade. The confidence is strong in this one.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) December 6, 2022
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 6, 2022
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I’m recording a parenting album called Broken Record.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) December 3, 2022
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) December 2, 2022
There’s no snub quite like a teen babysitter telling you she’s unavailable on a Saturday night.
— Emily Favreau (@emilyfavreau) December 7, 2022
the grocery clerk said "she's got an egg." I nodded and smiled, not sure what she meant. "She's got an EGG," she said more urgently, pointing. I turned around just in time to see the 1-year-old holding aloft an egg from the carton, grinning hugely before crushing it in her fist
— Gregory Possum-Encounterer 🐀 (@cat_beltane) December 8, 2022
I started singing and my son said “Oh God no.”
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) December 8, 2022
I'm so glad we took our toddler to a festival with ponies and a firetruck so that he could spend the whole time asking why the moon is in the sky during the daytime
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) December 5, 2022
One thing to know about parenting is that ice cream will resolve any issue. Just make sure you give your kids some too.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) December 7, 2022
Being a dad is telling your kids the thermostat stays where it is or we can't afford Christmas.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) December 8, 2022
7YO: Daddy stay still, I’m drawing a portrait…
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 6, 2022
Me: aww that’s so swee…
7YO: … of a grumpy old lady
I have a toddler and yet everyone I’ve seen today has asked why I have pieces of yarn stuck in my ponytail, ummm, guys, the answer is standing right next to me asking for a snack
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 8, 2022
What did you have for lunch? I had the ends of my kid’s burrito that he refused to eat last night.
— 🎁🎄Mommeh Cheerest🎄🎁 (@mommeh_dearest) December 8, 2022
My kid wanted to use her $2 to buy an iPad and I told her it’s not enough money and she said “well you bought a whole house when you didn’t have enough money” and now she’s grounded until I can think of a comeback
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) December 7, 2022
The irony of my kid who loves watching cleaning videos but refuses to help me clean
— the mommy lode (@themommylode) December 4, 2022
I had a whole list of things to get done today, but my kids are playing quietly together so obviously I can’t move or I’ll break the spell.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) December 6, 2022
My 3-year-old just asked if Santa can bring her "a beautiful necklace that her sister wants" because she wants to make her sister jealous.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) December 8, 2022
Instead of “emotional” support, my son said “mimosa-tional” support and I want that a lot more
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 4, 2022
There are few things more satisfying than beating other parents to the class party sign up and getting plates and napkins
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) December 9, 2022
The three kings bringing Mary frankincense, gold and myrrh is the equivalent of my mother in law bringing me hand towels the day after I brought my newborn home from the hospital because she “noticed I didn’t have them in my bathroom”
— Bre (@fullofmomsense) December 9, 2022
My kids are playing a game called Hide and Scream in case anyone is on the fence about becoming a parent.
— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) December 7, 2022
My daughter asked me how to friend-zone a boy, and I think this is where my years of experience are finally going to pay off
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) December 5, 2022
In the car with Baby Girl when The Mandelorian theme plays and she asks me afterwards, with pencil in hand: "What's the name of that song? I want to add it to my playlist." And proceeds to write in a tiny notebook.
— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) December 7, 2022
Not the conversations I thought I'd have with my 7-year-old.
You can tell the kind of adults my daughter hangs around when someone hands her orange juice and she asks if it’s safe for kids to drink
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) December 9, 2022