Here’s the deal. I’ve been in a solid committed relationship for coming up to eight years (thank you) and we have a mortgage for a flat we cannot really afford (again, thank you).
I’ve ranted about the fact I don’t want children before (and I stick by that especially as I now have two nieces and spending a day doing arts and crafts with them is now more exhausting than a day in the office) so this probably won’t come as a huge surprise. However, stop with the f**king questions about marriage. Seriously, shut up. Ask me something interesting, there’s so many other things we can talk about... just not Brexit.
I thought maybe now we’re in the 2000s and the need to get married in order to move out of your parents home is a thing of the long past, and with the women’s movement and basically just society moving on and accommodating different values and ways of life, our day-to-day conversations might have also evolved. But apparently, and disappointingly, that is not the case.
And I’m not just talking about my beloved granny. I’m talking about my boss, colleagues, sisters, friends, and let us not forget random people at parties. Everyone as soon as they hear my relationship is over a certain year threshold asks the question ‘Are you going to get married?’.
And do you know what? It’s none of your f**king business.
What further fans the flames of my irritation is that this question is so quickly followed up with ‘oh but don’t you want children?’ Again, none of your business – but no, I don’t, an answer which seems to result in palpable relief in the interrogator, as if the first situation is explained by the second response.
Now to an extent I forgive family and, to a lesser extent, friends. They want to see me get married as it’s a beautiful symbol of your commitment to your partner and vice versa and everyone gets to get drunk and dance at your expense. Also, for me, a wedding is the only place I get to dance like a lunatic these days, so I love them – and who doesn’t love a canape. However, it doesn’t need to be an annual question or even a biannual one – I will definitely tell you if I’m getting married or we’re engaged. It’s not going to be kept secret.
And do you know what? Shock horror, I do want to get married to the man I’ve loved for the past eight years and will (hopefully but who knows!) love forever and he wants to marry me too, or he did say so that time after drinking martinis that it would be an honour to do so... But only when we are ready, have some money to put behind the bar and basically can be bothered to organise ourselves.
It’s not a huge surprise that my partner never gets asked this question – aside from maybe my father during some kind of man chat in the pub along the lines of ‘when are you going to make an honest woman of my daughter?’ He doesn’t have to come up with a multitude of responses.
By and large mine start with a ‘yes, but it’s not a priority for us right now’, which sounds overly formal and usually elicits a sad ‘moo’ of a facial expression so that I continue blathering in a slightly defensive way and end with an extremely false laugh which I hope strikes a carefree note but probably sounds more hysterical than anything else.
So I’ve now officially decided (by which I mean we decided last night after ranting over a bottle of red wine and hasn’t been put into practice yet) that next time I’m asked this question I’m going to respond by stifling a yawn, followed by an eye roll and say ‘do you not have a more interesting question to ask me?’