The women of Twitter never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their musings.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below, then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
you blocked someone on everything and all of a sudden cxzvbhb is watching your story
— MIA (@miacsosa) September 11, 2022
“the film received a 12min standing ovation” ok ? maybe they were clapping bc it was finally over
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) September 11, 2022
you ok babe? i found us a new cult documentary and you don’t even seem excited
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) September 15, 2022
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 13, 2022
All I need is 14 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, a double espresso and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 30 minutes before going back to bed.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 12, 2022
Women my age know all about regret. We’re still suffering the permanent choices we made in the 90s regarding our eyebrows
— Science Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) September 13, 2022
It’s crazy you deadass have to clean your house every day. I grew up thinking my mom was just neurotic lmfao
— N-Yen💸 (@NiaUpenda) September 14, 2022
Just ended day 7,000 of never having used the Pythagorean theorem.
— Jenny Lawson (@TheBloggess) September 11, 2022
The cat who was completely obsessed with my bump when I was pregnant is quite uninterested in the baby now that she's out. It's a weird way to find out that my cat is a Republican.
— Dr. Dana Ménard (@Shufflersunite) September 14, 2022
Oooooohh I realize I enjoy making soups so much because it’s a cauldron.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) September 11, 2022
i think everyday people should have to post breakup statements on their instagram like celebrities do
— Rachel (@femaleredhead) September 14, 2022
Had a rice cake in one hand and a PB dog treat in the other…mistakes were made
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) September 15, 2022
A fun little joke I like to do is to announce to my dog “breakfast for dinner!” before giving her another fucking of the same meal she’s had 769 times.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) September 14, 2022
If HGTV has taught me anything, it’s that the key to happiness is an open concept layout, double sinks in the bathroom, a kitchen island the size of Hawaii and a $1.2 million budget.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 16, 2022
Don’t invite me to yo crib if yo couch peeling because imma peel it some more when you not looking
— leva (@itsbolevaa) September 13, 2022
Relaxing in my bathrobe, toeing the fine line between looking like "60 Year Old Divorcée At Her Best" and "Tony Soprano At His Worst"
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) September 15, 2022
Tonight's a full moon. Any other ladies want to meet up at that abandoned moss-covered well in the ravine and summon a demon? I'll bring a baked brie in puff pastry.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 10, 2022
when you send someone a funny video and they don't respond and you're like, welp, I have sullied this relationship forever
— bletchley punk (@alicegoldfuss) September 11, 2022
It’s no coincidence that I’m nicer to people with pools when it’s hot outside.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 14, 2022
If you’re giving me directions I won’t remember anything you say after the second turn.
— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) September 15, 2022
cashier: *packing my groceries* you got kids?
— Dx. Moonstruck (@moonstruckinnyc) September 15, 2022
me: *no kids* oh yeah three teenage boys
cashier: *nods approvingly*
this can’t be the same world that boy met.
— Ordinary Pumpkin Spice (@OrdinaryAlso) September 15, 2022
nicknamed my finger guns the kelly ka’pow’skis.
— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) September 15, 2022
not work, not play, but a secret third thing (laying down and feeling bad about doing neither)
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) September 16, 2022
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) September 15, 2022
Lip balms never taste the way they smell.
— an anxious panda 🫧🍑 (@thehubrispanda) September 14, 2022
A group of hippopotamuses is called a bloat. I think I’ve found my people
— Heatherhere 😷 (@Heatinblack) September 13, 2022
Nothing says “You matter” as clearly as when your therapist is a no show.
— AbbyDabbyDoo (@DearAuntAbby) September 13, 2022
ME: *happily reading, warm, fed*
— bletchley punk (@alicegoldfuss) September 13, 2022
BRAIN: feel bad
ME: wait why
BRAIN: some fleeting thought you had 3 hours ago
ME: which one---
BRAIN: figure it out
things i don't want to pick up:
— Midge (@mxmclain) September 13, 2022
- friends at the airport
- the phone
- monkey pox
- slack
- the vibe you're putting down
Dating Tip: Say I love you first and if they don’t say it back just laugh in their face and pretend you said olive juice. Gottem.
— CC (@CCRuns) September 12, 2022