The Things To Always, And Never, Expect When Parenting Two Children

Over the last five years I have come to realise that there are certain things in life that are impossible if you have two children, and others that are inevitable
Hiroshi Watanabe via Getty Images

I’ve been a parent of two children for five years now. In that time I have come to realise that there are certain things in life that are impossible if you have two children, and others that are inevitable. So short of a miracle this is my rundown of the things that never happen with two children, and the things that always do.

They’ll never look the same way for a photo

And if they do look the same way you can guarantee one will be smiling, whilst the other will have their eyes closed, or be pulling a silly face, or look entirely cheesed off with the whole situation.

Those cute pictures you see of smiling happy siblings require any or all of: Some kind of children’s entertainer to get them looking the same way, bribery, wine (for the photographer), one hundred shots taken to get that one perfect shot, or Photoshop.

Never lie in on the same day

Children sleeping in is rare. Especially if you, like me, have the breed of children known as ‘early risers’. But the chance of both children sleeping in on the same day is in the realm of Gerard Butler declaring his undying love for me. Statistical probability of both your children sleeping in on the same day is 99,000,000 to 1.

Never finish dinner at the same time

There will always be one lagging behind. Which leaves plenty of room for the other one to whine constantly about leaving the table, or having a yogurt, or poke their brother and en-site a mealtime meltdown.

Never like the same things

All of the toys you stored in the loft from your firstborn? Complete waste of time. Move over Chuggington, The isle of Sodor is the place to be. Forget all the characters from Cars, learn the ones from Blaze. Of course all of this means lots of arguments over what to watch on TV.

They’ll always need to poo at the same time

Whatever stage they are at this one is always tricky. You are changing one’s nappy whilst the other is calling for you to wipe their butt. You can also guarantee that one of them will always need you for something, normally something of no importance whatsoever, whilst you are on the toilet.

Always have simultaneous growth days

Kids will always have growth spurts at the same time. This hurts your pocket more than anything else. Especially when it comes to the school shoes. Even more so when that last pair you bought were outgrown in the space of a half term.

Always get invites to parties on the same day

This either means you are going to have to do a lot of logistical juggling and call in some favours, or you are going to spend six hours in soft play and have to deal with the mother of all sugar crashes.

Always share germs

Colds, sickness bugs, chicken pox, the nits. Name the disease and they will share it whole-heartedly, despite never being able to share a single toy when asked.

Anything you would add to the list of never happen when you have two children, and things that always do?

A version of this blog was first published on Life, Love and Dirty Dishes