They say marriage is hard work. âTheyâ being every other relative wishing to bestow you with wisdom the moment you get engaged.
The phrase is so regularly repeated that itâs sometimes used to bat away more complex friction in a relationship. Arguing with your partner? Thatâs the hard work calling. Intimacy issues? Infidelity? Financial stress? Donât say we didnât warn you...
But a couple of months back, when writer Danielle Weisberg tweeted a jokey take on the oft-repeated idiom, it sparked a debate on whether marriage should feel like hard work, or if this is just something weâve been taught to accept.
One reply from a woman in Arkansas even went viral in its own right. âMy marriage has never been hard work,â she said. âMy wife literally lowers my blood pressure by walking into the room. (Confirmed and observed by a nurse at the hospital).â
So, why do so many cling to this phrase? Should marriage really be hard work? Or does the saying just make us feel better? And if marriage is so easy for some, should everyone else...give up?
Julia Goodall, a psychotherapist and host of the Grounded Families podcast, says therapists sometimes use the phrase âmarriage is hard workâ in couples counselling, because they tend to echo the language used by their clients. This is a tactic designed to âmeet people where they areâ.
However, she works with couples to establish what they mean by âmarriage is hard workâ. There can be a difference between marriage feeling like âworkâ and âworking on a marriageâ.
âI think that idea that marriage is hard is the same if you say gardening is hard,â Goodall tells HuffPost UK. âItâs not hard. Itâs just that you have to show up every day in tiny ways and keep an eye on it. So itâs hard work in terms of the constant commitment of it, but itâs not difficult.â
The question of whether marriage should feel like hard work doesnât have a straight yes or no answer, she adds. âWhen something like that tweet happens... I looked through some of the responses and itâs quite sad, because it polarises people. So either people are like âmarriage is so easy, itâs the best thing ever,â or âmarriage is so hardâ. And then both parties feel alone.
âThe way that we polarise stuff â which is a normal human thing â it doesnât really help conversation. It just says âIâm in this camp, youâre in that campâ. And actually, the conversation thatâs useful to have, I think, is around âwhy does marriage feel hard?â âWhy do we feel on our own a lot of the time?â âWhy do we feel that things are often not how we expected?ââ
Goodall believes in 2022, weâre still sold a âDisney ideaâ of what marriage looks like, so itâs no wonder it doesnât always live up to everyoneâs expectations. When people say marriage is hard, what theyâre often attempting to convey is that theyâre âin distressâ or âin chronic disconnectionâ with their partner.
But to prevent marriage feeling like overwhelming âhard workâ, you do need to âwork at itâ in small ways â again coming back to that gardening metaphor.
âThereâs a piece around making yourself visible in tiny daily steps,â she explains. âSo saying: âThis is what I needâ, or âthis is what I feel likeâ, or âIâm really struggling with all of the things I have to get done in a day. Is there any thing that you can help me with?ââ
This communication reset should also go the other way. âAsk: âHow was your day?â âhow are you feeling about this?â, âI feel like this, does that sort of match with you?ââ says Goodall. âItâs these tiny little touch points.â
Of course, there are times when marriage does become hard work, to the point where these âlittle touch pointsâ canât remedy it. If thereâs violence, for example, Goodall says thatâs a red flag that a relationship is toxic and worth leaving.
Also, if youâre having the same arguments over and over again, or thereâs been a significant betrayal (such as infidelity), you may need outside help from a therapist to see if itâs possible to get you back on the same page. And sometimes, parting ways is the bravest decision â not a failure.
But for the most part, Goodall believes the question âshould marriage be hard workâ comes down to peopleâs perceptions about what marriage should entail.
âThe people who are in really happy marriages often have very realistic ideas of what marriage looks like,â she says. âAnd so sometimes itâs just about perception.â
Next time youâre about to tell a newly engaged couple about the hard work ahead of them, pause to remember this classic When Harry Met Sally scene, which proves that while marriage may require some work, dating isnât exactly a walk in the park, either.
And if youâre in a rut of feeling like your own marriage is hard work, pause to question why. As Goodall points out, accepting that marriage isnât perfect can actually be quite liberating.
âWe will never fit together like a puzzle piece, there will always be some little kind of jagged edges,â she says. âThereâll be stuff that weâre bad at and the other person is not good at.
âAnd still we choose to love each other. I feel like that feels more meaningful.â