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In a relationship, you won’t always share the same desires as your partner. Your partner might want to go on holiday for two weeks whilst you’d prefer if the holiday was for seven days. Perhaps you want to have three children but your partner wants to have one.
Or you want to move to another country, but your partner doesn’t think this is the best idea. This is the issue for this week’s reader. Harriet.
“I’m a 73-year old woman and want to move to New Zealand where my daughter and granddaughter live. My husband of 30 plus years wants to stay. Do I go or do I stay?” she asks.
Should she make the move to New Zealand without her partner? Or should she stay in the UK?
Counselling Directory member Kirsty Taylor suggests that Harriet considers the pros and cons of moving her life across the world without her husband. “It might be useful to actually make a list of all the reasons to go, and all the reasons to stay,” she adds.
What would you say to this reader?
“There can be strong emotional reactions when someone you love dearly is moving far away, and it’s a very normal response to consider if life would be better being nearer to those you love the most,” Taylor says.
“However, there is a long marriage and partnership to consider here too. I would like the reader to reflect on her marriage and how much it means to her, to have a good honest period of reflection on what she wants her future to look like and who she most wants to be in it.”
Counselling Directory member Paula Coles thinks it’s understandable that Harriet would want to live closer to her grandchildren. However she says “it’s important that lots of thought should be out in to huge decisions such as this, partly because it affects many individuals in both the nuclear and extended family systems.”
Coles is also curious about Harriet’s current life. “Is she perhaps feeling a lack of purpose that she hopes the daughter and granddaughter can give her?
“How might she also find purpose in her current life through friends and activities, which for many have been dreadfully affected by the pandemic and the strain that has put on many people in the last few years.”
How can she weigh up if she should move away?
Taylor thinks Harriet could benefit from a little bit of space and time to really consider this decision. “It might be useful for her to write a list of all the pros of moving to New Zealand and then all the cons of this decision.
“I think the reader could map out her future by writing it down. She could spend some time imagining what she wants from the rest of her life – will living near her daughter without her husband give her enough joy to sustain a life away from her husband? What does her daughter imagine this life to look like?”
It could put a strain on the relationship if Harriet relies on her daughter for all of her social needs.
“Has there been some conversation about the practicalities of this decision if she goes ahead with it, in terms of finance, where to live, healthcare, leaving friends, potentially living alone?” Taylor asks.
“Ultimately, the gut is our guide to decision making. The reader needs to be clear about what her gut is telling her. Regardless if the decision might cause some pain and difficulty, her gut might already have the answer.”
How can she deal with this issue with her partner?
Ultimately, Harriet needs to have a long discussion with her partner. “She could try and find out his reasons for not wanting to go, and see if there is a way to come to a mutual agreement or to manage his fears and worries about a move and find a way to make a plan together,” Taylor says.
Taylor believes that she should have an honest and truthful conversation with her husband about why she is considering to move. “There may be a bigger issue in the relationship that needs some gentle navigation.”
Her desire to move could also be a sign of deeper unhappiness or frustration. “People often look at their lives at certain points and want to make some changes,” Taylor adds.
“There may be a way of finding a middle ground – half a year in NZ, half a year in the UK. Ultimately, this issue needs some careful and considered navigation to come to an outcome that makes sense for the reader’s future happiness.”
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.