Whoever named the latest storm to hit Britain has a lot to answer for.
Previously the preserve of lovable, largely harmless but occasionally forgetful grandmothers, ‘Doris’ has thrown tradition to the very wind she is creating by wreaking havoc across these once-fair isles.
This trampoline’s fall from grace after appearing in last year’s John Lewis ad is complete as Doris blasts it into a field where it is destined to become nothing grander than a horse’s favourite scratching post.
Just out of frame, hordes of early-morning drinkers roam the streets like the walking dead, confused and not quite knowing where to stand.
Tom is learning there are consequences for not taking prompt action.
UPDATE ON THE JOHN LEWIS AD TRAMPOLINE: The smashed up bounce monster is on a rampage.
This footballing gnome lies forlornly, eternally pondering the header he has yet to make and never will.
The winds are so strong it’s affecting the genetic make up of animals as can be seen here by this badger that only seconds before was a dog.
Here’s the ITV’s graphic representation, the wind like a torrent of giant alien sperm all heading to Belfast for some reason.
We’ll bring you more chaos as it trickles in.