Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Although Twitter is rebranding to X, the humor lives on.
Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch.
The day my toddler started asking “what’s that?” was the day I realized how little I know about everything.
— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) August 15, 2023
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 14, 2023
Took my 8yo to the museum and she asked if every picture was the Mona Lisa then when we left she made sure to tell the people in line “don’t bother, this museum doesn’t even have the Mona Lisa”.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 16, 2023
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for fall sports.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 15, 2023
My wife and I are the best parents to our kids when we are on a date night and drunk
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 18, 2023
When your mom watches your toddler for 2 hours. pic.twitter.com/1uynYzrHRI
— emily (@emilykmay) August 15, 2023
PTA room mom: We need some volunteers for the class par—
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) August 14, 2023
Me: PLATES AND NAPKINS!
I put the principal’s name down as the emergency contact on my kid’s back to school forms, since he can respond fastest without missing work
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 16, 2023
14: hey dad...Why should you never fight a dinosaur??
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 16, 2023
me: why
14: You'll get jurasskicked.
he's a dad. they grow up so fast.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 13, 2023
My kid came home, poured some skittles into a wine glass, and flung himself onto the couch, so I guess he had a rough day
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 11, 2023
Is Goofy a dog? And if so, why can’t Pluto talk? And why is the female version of him a cow? This is my brain now.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) August 13, 2023
I wish I had half the confidence of my youngest son who happily woke me up at 4AM to demand ‘Go Wench’ (goldfish) and cartoons
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 13, 2023
Every time we pass one of these signs my kids say “Road work ahead? I sure hope it does!”. Makes me laugh every time. pic.twitter.com/WQTaLnFJtY
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 15, 2023
All these pictures of kids moving into dorms making me realize I’m too old to sleep on a bed that high.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 17, 2023
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 16, 2023
Pray for me.
Apparently we aren’t allowed to add “alcohol for teacher” to the school supply lists so anyway the school year is already ruined
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) August 15, 2023
People have no idea how hard it is to listen to your kids complain about school and not respond with:
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) August 17, 2023
Just wait, it gets worse
my sister-in-law: sometimes happiness is hard to find.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) August 13, 2023
my 8yo, whispering to me: you should tell her the corner store has blue slurpees.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 13, 2023
Parenthood is so crazy. We're really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 17, 2023