Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) August 25, 2021
My kid asked if he should leave something for the tooth fairy, so I need everyone to back me up that the traditional offering is a bottle of wine
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 26, 2021
gave the three year old an etch-a-sketch. he played for a few minutes and then declared he almost won.
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 26, 2021
when i held my newborn baby girl five years ago i had no clue someday she would stare at me with daggers in her eyes because peanut butter toast to her meant with cold bread and not the warm slice i handed her
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 21, 2021
three year old saw me getting out of the shower naked and said, “mommy you’re so free!” which is cute but bitch I can’t even shower in peace can’t u see I’m in chains
— Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) August 23, 2021
"Are fish smelly because they fart when they are caught?"
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 21, 2021
-My 5-year-old, the philosopher
I told my 9yo son the “I can’t operate on him; he’s my son” riddle the other day, and it went like this:
— Sara Warf (@SaraBWarf) August 22, 2021
Me: …so how is that poss—
9yo: It’s his mom.
Me: Yeah.
9yo:
Me: Or his other dad, I guess.
9yo: Right.
Me:
9yo: I don’t get how it’s a riddle.
When people say that my son looks just like me, my wife always says “doctors say there’s nothing they can do.”
— The Dad (@thedad) August 22, 2021
While other parents are buying pencils & notebooks for back-to-school season, I'm gathering intel on the class mean girls in case my daughter needs to emotionally destroy them
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) August 26, 2021
I used my nightstand as a pillow when my kid crawled into bed with me at 3 a.m., parenting is literally hard, people.
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) August 23, 2021
me: any ideas for dinner?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 25, 2021
wife: I don't know...maybe P-I-Z-Z-A?
son: I KNOW YOU'RE SPELLING!
me: sure, or what about T-A-C-O-S?
son: I'M IN KINDERGARTEN NOW! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!
me: o podemos ordenar comida china?
son: WHAT WAS THAT??? WE'RE NOT LEARNING THAT!!!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of a lazy Saturday morning we can panic because a sports uniform didn’t get put in the dryer.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 21, 2021
The other day, we went to a fería (a farmer’s market), and our kids refused to eat lunch. My husband and I were frustrated.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) August 22, 2021
“You better get used to eating new foods!” We snapped.
Today, we are trying not to shit our souls out. The kids are fine.
I think we lost this one.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 21, 2021
If you’re not 12 hours early then are you even going to the movies, airport, party, or show with a dad?
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) August 24, 2021
7yr old: Mom watch this. Look mom. Mom are you watching? Mom did you see that? Did you see? Mom! Mom!
— SingleBabyMama (@_SingleBabyMama) August 25, 2021
Me: I am watching! I am looking! I can not look any more than I’m looking! Like there is no higher of level of looking that I can possibly do!
7: Mom are you looking?
3 year old sitting outside the bathroom while family member is inside: “ARE YOU GOING POO POO OR PEE PEE?????”
— josie duffy rice (@jduffyrice) August 25, 2021
Me: Why are you naked? You can’t be naked at school you know.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) August 23, 2021
My 5yo: I know that’s why I’m naked now because I’m going to miss being naked so much.
i put on a 90s playlist in the car and my kids seemed to be enjoying it until my 6-year-old yelled IS THIS AN OLD PERSON SONG right in the middle of smashmouth’s all star
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) August 26, 2021
Good news! My 8YO says she is halfway done with the story which she started telling last Monday
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 26, 2021
Almost two weeks into Kindergarten and my daughter has made “so many” friends but so far all we know is that one of the friends has a name that starts with an A
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) August 24, 2021
3 yo crouching by desk fan feeding her hair into it saying “Mommy I’m just cutting my braids” 🆘
— Meena Harris (@meena) August 24, 2021
My daughter has started baking and with two brothers, has also become a ninja at hiding the treats she makes. Her transformation into a middle aged mom is almost complete.
— Sweet Momissa 🪁 (@sweetmomissa) August 26, 2021
Now my kids are older, I actually find watching dads chase after their run away toddlers hilarious
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) August 23, 2021
My pediatrician said bribery is not a good parenting strategy and I just wanted to pass that along in case you all needed a laugh
— Science Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) August 23, 2021