Love is a beautiful thing. It boosts our mood, it improves our health, and apparently, it can even make us wealthier. And yes, for most, feeling connected to your partner can lead to some pretty mind-bending sex.
For some, though, an amorous connection is a total mood killer.
If you’re on TikTok, you might have heard about fraysexuals – individuals who lose sexual interest when they get closer to their partner.
A common misconception is that fraysexuals only want to have sex with strangers – but experts say there’s more to it than that.
So, what is fraysexuality, and how can you tell if the term applies to you?
If you lose sexual attraction when you get closer to your partner, you could be fraysexual
”In a nutshell, fraysexuality is when someone experiences sexual attraction towards someone as long as they don’t have an emotional bond to them,” says Women’s Health.
It’s described on TikTok as being “the opposite of demisexuality” – instead of needing an emotional connection to form sexual attraction, fraysexuals lose their lust once they bond with their partner.
And contrary to common misconceptions, the label doesn’t mean someone can’t form a lasting relationship – or that they don’t care about their partners.
Sexologist Emilie Lavina told Glamour that if you’re fraysexual, “You might find that your sexual attraction to someone lessens over time but that you still care for them deeply.”
It could be “That the excitement of connecting with strangers or people you don’t know thrills you the most, or that you find yourself much more interested in sex in the very early stages of a relationship and less so as you begin to feel familiar with someone,” she adds.
Despite some backlash, the identity is real
Fraysexuality is sometimes mischaracterised as breadcrumbing, or leading people on.
But as Lavina says, “It’s important to note that for fraysexual people, this experience can be confusing and it can be isolating due to potential partners interpreting the extent to which a person who identifies as fray cares for them.”
She adds that “A waning sexual desire is not the same as a diminished level of respect, care or romance for another person, although these threads are often woven tightly when building a new relationship with another person.”
Of course, communication and consent are key – you should always let your partner know where you stand and how you feel, so they can make the best choice for their needs and priorities.
Sex and relationship therapist and educator Rachel Klechevsky told Women’s Health that fraysexuality isn’t an indicator of how someone wants to approach commitment.
As Glamour report, “disrespecting sexual or romantic partners is NOT a characteristic of a fraysexual person.”
And let’s be real here – anyone who’s so much as opened a dating app will know that self-serving attitudes and poor communication aren’t limited to one sexuality.
What can I do if I think I’m fraysexual?
If your lust dies when love grows – even if you really want to stay with the person, and are romantically attracted – you could be fraysexual.
You could adore your long-term beau, but feel intense sexual attraction to strangers.
Or you could not want to pursue a relationship at all due to finding romantic intimacy a turn-off, which I feel people are unfairly treating as a taboo option – it’s fine to know what you want (and what you don’t), as long as you share that clearly.
In all cases, though, experts advise you to do what we should all be trying anyway: communicate, communicate, communicate.
“A fraysexual person needs to be able to communicate to their partner(s) about their sexual attraction and what that means for their relationship,” says Klechevsky.
And Lavina says that it’s important not to suppress your feelings, as this can lead to resentment – “The more we repress what we actually desire and pretend to want what we think other people will be most likely to accept, we’re completing an exercise in negative self talk and self loathing. This is deeply unhealthy,” she told Glamour.
Both experts recommend talking to your partner or partners, and exploring any options that feel safe to you – whether that’s keeping it casual, opening up the relationship, or just having a good ol’ chat with your beloved.
And remember, fraysexuality – like all sexualities – is a spectrum that can ebb and flow. So long as you’re having a good time, and your partners know where they stand, let your fray flag fly.