Being a family that barely ever celebrates birthdays, you've been known to give the worst of gifts - from mugs to absolutely nothing, but this time, daddy, just 8 days before, you forced me to bury you into the ground, and say goodbye - for forever.
I've always felt that I was too old, and that it's now too late to change how things really were and had been between us. I wasn't wrong per-se, but I had burnt with far too much anger, and a tad too filled with the internal devil called the ego, to see above and beyond what was, and nor did I see much sense.Through the fights, the pain and the little things, I now look back and realize that - that had been the only way you knew, to tell me that you cared. That you loved me. Though your ways may have had been questionable, but that had just been the way you were. And I understand that now.
I truly hope you forgive me for all the wrong I've done against you, and I pray that you know I've forgiven you too.
As you are now on the other side, I hope you know that I've always had and will always - love you.
Thank you for having had been there, in ways I now realize truly matters. You had been a remarkable man, with an even more remarkable heart. The remnants of your kindness will forever be reminded by those whose lives you've touched, and by us who love you. And indeed, it is something that I see everyday.
It breaks my heart to know that you won't be there, as I move on with the future phases of my life. It aches to know that you won't be the one to give me away when the time comes. It kills me to know, that you will never see me reach my dreams, and fulfill all that I've wanted to. And it simply and absolutely shatters me to know, that there is now no longer a chance for you to ever be proud of me.
I hope you're happy on the other side, daddy. Where the pain no longer kills, where there is no more worry for the future, where you can now rest - in what I hope and pray to be peace.
You've taken with you a part of me,
I can't wait to get back.
Until the day that I see you again.
Till then, I'll love you forever.
And I'll miss you for even longer.
From your little girl,
To everyone reading this, to the lot of you who are lucky enough to still have both your parents with you, regardless of the relationship you have, please know that you hold the one gift some of us no longer have. And that, is the gift of salvaging and restrengthening the relationship with the very people whom had created you.
You may think and assume that you are ready to lose a loved one, but believe me when I tell you, that - that, is the biggest lie you've made yourself believe. Nothing could possibly ever prepare you to actually lose someone you love, regardless of the circumstance.
If nothing else, the finality of things, will be the very thing that kills you.
May we all be granted the strength to continue on as things get tough, may we find the will, when the pain goes from bad to worse. May we love more, and hate less. May we forgive, and try even harder to forget. May there one day be a time where cancer is no longer be a fight we're constantly forced to lose.
This post originally appeared on the author's personal blog.