You know what we need? Another list of acts' favourite comedians. More comedians need to tag comedians in posts, retweet each other's tweets and go to each other's shows. Also we need more cliques in comedy. It's getting so bad that last week I saw one comedian telling a reviewer in Brookes Bar that they should review a fellow comedian's fart. Worst of all, the reviewer was writing down what time it would be happening.
That's why I have decided to write my top five worst comedians at the Fringe and finally put an end to this sycophantic nonsense.
No. 1 - Tim Key, Work In Slutgress
Mate... and I can call him mate as he came to one of my previews. Has anyone ever told you what comedy is? It's one man, a microphone and some jokes. Not reading poetry off crackers in mini disc cases and doing a whole Edinburgh show featuring video footage of you masturbating in a bath. Does Russell Howard turn up to gigs and do poetry? Don't answer that it's rhetorical. The thing that galls me the most about Key is that, thanks to somehow getting some arts editor ponces onside, he has actually managed to have some success with his 'insult to comedy'. Key's show at this year's Fringe is billed as a work-in-progress, but as far as I'm concerned this label is unnecessary as his whole act is a work-in-progress which will never actually progress and which clearly he puts no work into.
No. 2 - Nick Helm, One Man Mega Myth
I can only assume people think Nick Helm is joking when he says he has seven jokes in his Edinburgh show. By the time they've found the hard way that it's true, they're not laughing hysterically at his show, they're laughing hysterically at having paid upwards of £12 for seven jokes. How do you explain the good reviews? Recently, whilst at Helm's house, the same question popped into my head; a quick look at the Google documents on his computer and I discovered a folder called "journalist bribes". Let's just say there were a lot of documents in there. By the way, what was really interesting was why he left the room in the first place - "Harry, can you just stay here a minute whilst I go out to the shed and count all the money I've made ripping people off in Edinburgh." Make your own mind up.
No. 3 - Bo Burnham, What
"I've had millions of YouTube hits." "I'm brilliant." "I've had my own TV series." Who says? YouTube users, national newspapers and Hollywood comedy producers. What do they know? It's what the fans think that counts. Oh, you've sold a load of advance tickets already and you've won some awards here. All this praise, awards and success seems all too good to be true. I know, you look like Justin Bieber trapped in a giant's body. Actually, that's quite funny too. Damn you Burnham, for the sake of this piece can you just play one note out of tune in your show (and I don't mean as a post-modern attempt to de-construct comedy).
No. 4 - Daniel Simonson, Stranger
Speak in an English accent for Christ's sake!
No. 5 - John Kearns - Sight Gags For Perverts
I've seen John Kearns' act, some people say it's indescribable I think it is easy to describe. Man fails to write his show in time so decides that putting on a wig, some funny teeth and shouting should distract people long enough so they won't notice. You always hear he is a lovely guy - well, I directed Kearns' show two years ago starring Pat Cahill (Dinner Party) and that certainly was not the case when I worked with him. Just two incidents that spring to mind are the time he told me to dismantle the Underbelly Tent as he didn't like the colour purple and the shit fit he threw when I said I wouldn't steal an elephant from Edinburgh Zoo for his show (the show did not require an elephant). Also, there is a rumour he is a racist.
All these guys are playing the Fringe this year; avoid their shows like the plague. Chris Ramsey is here for three dates though, if you can get a ticket, do. His hair is really funny.
• To get two free tickets to Harry's show simply find a Wrong Way flyerer in the Pleasance Courtyard between 4 and 5.30 and say "right way". Offer only available Monday to Thursday. No show on the 13th. Check @deansbomb on Twitter for details