22/11/2015 18:24 GMT | Updated 20/11/2016 05:12 GMT

How NOT to Use Baby and Toddler Selling Sites - A Normal Mummy's Guide

Facebook selling sites.

An annoying yet necessary element of modern parenting.

Where a small minority of 'normal' folk roam (you know this because you are on there, although that may actually be 'it'...) but sadly for the most part is full of time-wasters, hopeless dreamers, pyramid selling schemes and people who have badly knitted ugly things, whilst drunk, that they think other people should give them money for...

*draws in a deep breath and chugs some Pinot Grigio*

So, here written down for all the delusionals are the top ways to NOT to conduct yourself on selling sites:

  1. Try NOT doing this.... 'How much is it?' "It's written on the picture." 'Oh yeah. What size is it?' "It's written on the picture." 'Oh yeah. What condition is it?' "It's written on the picture." 'Oh yeah. Whereabouts are you?' "It's written on the picture." 'Oh yeah.... How much is it?' "...............". *punches self in face until feelings can't be felt anymore*
  2. When on the look out for a bargain remember that posting you are in search of something that 'Must be Perfect Condition, Preferably with Tags, In Original Packaging, Unused, that you can Have Delivered for FREE Immediately...' What you are in fact asking for is just the f@*king new version. And unless you live in Oz you are unlikely to be getting it for a fiver.
  3. Yeah... When I said I wanted a twenty quid for it, I didn't 'write that by accident' when I really meant 'please continually contact me asking if you can have it for £1/free.'
  4. What's that? You've posted something...but you're not actually selling it...you're just seeing what would happen if you were to sell it...? Yeah... Everyone loves it when people do that. It's really awesome. (They don't. It's not. You're a dick.)
  5. Also, if I wanted to pay as much as you paid for it before your child quite literally took a shit in it, then I'd probably just get one from a shop... where it's minus the faeces and comes with a receipt.
  6. I'm sorry... I was after a Jumperoo... what part of my post made you think I would like to try Herbalife...???
  7. As much I enjoy ignoring my kids while they intermittently play with nappies, plug-sockets and knives so I can take additional photos and provide you with a fully edited biopic of my items while you enact the part of someone who plans on actually buying them... going silent and blocking me at the last minute just isn't cool. And makes me go a little bit stabby.
  8. And finally. How about NOT committing to buying something, arranging a time to collect and then instead of actually doing that, sitting around at home fiddling with your vagina and/or penis, eating a twix, ignoring all your Facebook notifications like a twat.
  9. And finally - this..... HM..... *blood boils*

*finishes wine and begins knitting mittens*

The end.

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