12/06/2015 13:09 BST | Updated 12/06/2016 06:59 BST

First Baby Versus Second Baby... What You REALLY Need to Know.

Second time around things are different... Good different... bad different... sometimes 'I'm gonna have to stop breast-feeding right now because my toddler just took a shit in the middle of Costa' different... but definitely different.

Second time around things are different...

Good different... bad different... sometimes 'I'm gonna have to stop breast-feeding right now because my toddler just took a shit in the middle of Costa' different... but definitely different.

Perhaps you simply don't have the same amount of time to dedicate to baby number two, as you're frantically trying to change a nappy while de-Marmite-ing the cat and attempting to locate where the three-year-old has hidden her MOTHER-SHITTING SHOES AGAIN... Maybe you're more relaxed (gin) or maybe you've just learnt from your mistakes (don't tumble dry babies) and you're a better parent for it... But whatever the reason, baby number two will have a different journey, as you can see from my handy list of comparisons below:

First Baby:

People are coming over to meet your beautiful bundle of joy for the first time... You spend around four hours scrubbing every inch of your house and preparing an exotic selection of teas and snacks for them to sample as you portray the ultimate 'I've got my shit together act' and nonchalantly drop into the conversation 'oh excuse the state of the house...' sipping on your lang sang shit shun. (or whatever)

Second Baby:

You use a baby wipe to take the actual human faeces off the coffee table. Then use the same baby wipe to clean your face. Oh, and you Whatsapp them to bring a bottle.

First Baby:

Your life is a never ending cycle of washing, dressing, re-dressing and taking pictures of everything your baby wears to post on Facebook with twatty little captions. You actually IRON things, and fold and put them away in colour order... for 'fun'.

Second Baby:

Anything lying around the house that passes the sniff and scratch test goes.

First Baby:

You document everything, you keep a baby book, you have every App, every e-mail subscription, every wanky little freebie and you take about 50 photos an hour like a total mental.

Second Baby:

You've sort of forgotten to take any photos, but your kids look quite similar so you plan to just use some of the first one's pictures and change the dates. Plus the toddler owns your iPhone now so only half-face selfies and photos of play-doh allowed.

First Baby:

Night times become a cycle of getting up, crying, rocking, despairing, Googling, freaking out and crying some more... then repeat for the day time.

Second Baby:

You've been through several years of anti-sleep training. You don't actually notice when you're asleep/awake anymore as frankly just being horizontal is a f@*king luxury. To save energy you often fall asleep standing up over the cot... this counts as a good night. You've also learnt to just drink wine until your face, mind and tear ducts go numb.

First Baby:

Every gadget, every toy, every class, every group, every f@*king everything... your home looks like an Amazon delivery has taken a shit on top of the baby department at John Lewis.

Second Baby:

Your iPhone, Sophie the Giraffe and some sock-ons... in the pub. Life is complete.

The End. You're welcome.

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