21/03/2014 12:53 GMT | Updated 21/05/2014 06:59 BST

Beer, Bingo and Ways to Win Votes

Last night I had a dream. It was topical. And political. And horrible.

In my dream I had become George Osborne. Or rather, a sort of deeply unpleasant hybrid of George Osborne, David Cameron and Michael Gove: dangerously out-of-touch, yet absolutely convinced that I was not only well-liked and doing a bang-on job, but also a maverick, creative genius when it came to the policies and that. And now, I just can't get this idea out of my head. In fact, I have spent most of today developing actual policy ideas that my Generic Badass Front Bench Tory Self - David Michael Camborne we'll call me - would be more than happy to pitch. This is the way I see it...

We-me - David Michael Camborne - pride ourselves on being WELL in touch with the hard-working common man and the kind of things they like. That's what our Beer'N'Bingo bullshit, er, I mean bonus, was all about. But wait - that was a proper BIG-HITTER of an idea, a 'Gove' as we call we've come up with some MORE 'triffic' proposals that hard-working, tax-paying poor-people are going to LOVE!!! So, put down your bingo card, take a sip of Stella Artois (you poor, hardworking, discerning bastard) and check THESE out:

1. Dangerous Dog Vouchers - poor people LOVE dangerous dogs, right? Right! Hard working poor people want to be able come home from a hard day of working hard and paying tax, and head out for walkies with their beloved dangerous dog - WITHOUT worrying about what'll happen if it eats someone. So, we're offering free muzzles AND free third party insurance to all new dangerous dog owners.

2. Shit Car Allowance - hardworking poor people tend to favour shit cars - second-hand, beaten up, no air con!! So we're offering a free copy of The Sun (if you like tits) or the Daily Mail (if you hate EVERYTHING, including tits) to anyone who buys a car on Ebay or Gumtree via their 'tablet' (because we're modern).

3. Flat Caps - I'm not TOTALLY sure, as I've never been there, and have no intention of going (don't be ridiculous!), but I THINK that in the North, where a lot of hard-working poor people come from, everyone still wears flat caps. That amounts to a considerable annual expenditure for the average poverty-stricken, hard-working, potentially Conservative voter, so we are offering FREE(!) flat caps to anyone who can prove they've got a job and a fun Northern accent (Brummie doesn't count).

4. 'Chips' T-shirts - that's t-shirts, with 'CHIPS!' written on them. One per adult voter.

5. Rodney's Law - poor people LOVE an under-dog, but they also want to be able to laugh at him if it feels right - no amount of banana-straightening EU/PC madness will persuade them otherwise, and many hard-working poor people feel that their pitiful (but electorally useful) way of life is under threat. Examples of key things which our piss-poor research makes us believe hard-working people want to be free to laugh at include: catering staff who drop drinks trays; rich/cocky/educated people and reality TV stars suffering; and of course Rodney (or 'Dave'!!) from Only Fools and Horses. Rodney's Law enshrines this principle in law. 'Simples'!

6. EU Pebbledash Quota Scheme - we've done our research, and it's pretty bloody clear that hard-working poor people who pay their tax, love, IF they have any disposable income left, to weather-proof their home with unattractive grey pebbledash, rather than move to a nice big detached house sans pebbledash in a better neighbourhood, like we would. So, killing two birds with one pebble, any Eastern Europeans who want to come here to our GREAT country, with its shit weather, and the total lack of respect for what they might contribute that we are happy to propagate, must bring a bag of pebbles.

7. X Factor, Strictly Coming Dancing and Coronation Street mugs for EVERYONE! Everyone loves a cuppa right 'mate'? Yes please pal, and this selection represents the TV loves of pretty much ALL poor people into the bargain, so take your pick...although admittedly this BIG MASSIVE IDEA runs the risk of veering 'off message', as I'm not sure all of the viewers of these shows are hard-working. Whatevs...

8. Second Plasma Tax Relief. Ronseal.

9. The 'Energy Drinks' Programme - what do poor people worry about most? Energy bills. What do poor people like most? Beer. For every pint drunk then, that's a penny off your next gas and 'leccy bill. Brilliant!!!! Plus, a signed picture of George Osborne drinking a frothy ale OR a 'Free Beer and Breakfast' deal at Wetherspoons (THE private membership club for the hard-working man, plus scroungers and people on The Disability), for everyone with 365 stamps on their beer-card.

10. Free bumper sticker. Our research showed that a choice of slogans including: 'Meerkat!', 'Michael McIntyre', 'Soccer' and 'Hang All Paedos' should cover it.

Bingo! So that's it. Our new policies: job done. Read it and weep Ed or David Milliband - no-one knows or cares which, because YOU, my never-had-a-proper-job friend, went to a Comprehensive School - I really think we're getting the hang of this.