20/03/2015 09:06 GMT | Updated 20/05/2015 06:59 BST

Solar Shame! Deflating Eclipse Latest Tool in Gang Warfare

The UK was launched into perpetual disappointment this morning as it was revealed that the E-clipse was nothing more than a well orchestrated mugging organised by local yobs to force residents to stare blindly into the sky whilst gangs ransacked their pockets, houses and garden furniture.

"How could we fall for this again?" Whimpered Scott Yern from Hatfield. Who had been standing outside looking at the sky for the best part of three hours before turning around to realise his conservatory had been stolen and replaced with a big 'HA' salted into the earth where it once stood.

"This sort of thing keeps happening" he reflected out-loud. "Last year they told us that there was going to be a rainbow around 4:30 in the afternoon. So me, my wife and my kids all packed up our stuff and headed for the largest hill we could find. They said we didn't have time to lock our doors because otherwise we'd miss the most colourful part of the rainbow. When we came back they'd stripped the dry wall and replaced all our furniture with pebbles. I was fuming"

Across the globe real sightings of eclipses have been spotted. However, astrologists say that they are not appearing in their usual habitat, due to dietary change and 'solar exhaustion'.

One scientist who didn't wear a name badge said "We have had multiple sightings of different eclipses around the world. The most notable was one in Helsinki where a woman found an eclipse in the coin section of her purse. In another case a spritely young man from Devon found an eclipse at the bottom of his coffee. He alerted the barrister who made an "Eww" sound and simply tipped it down the drain"

London stock brokers said they were "ashamed and gullible" that they had a cigarette break at 9.31 this morning, causing a complete financial shut down for 2 minutes of the day which cost the UK 4.8billion pounds in luna expenses.

Despite this cataclysmic currency cock up, there was good news for neighbourhood cats, who have been heard 'Meow'ing in triumph all afternoon, as they managed to escape what is normally 'prime time revenge' for garden birds and thousands of rouge mice, hell bent on destruction.