Kick Balls To Save Yhe Economy

02/10/2017 12:06 BST | Updated 02/10/2017 12:06 BST

We are constantly being told that the world has no money left. In 2008, everyone's wallets were emptied of all things valuable, leaving people with only embarrassing photographs and thirteen unused gym cards for comfort.

Quite where all this money went and who has it now I don't understand: why can't we just ask for it back? Is that too easy? I am partially confident that all of our economic leaders have considered this and I know that I could never match their levels of intelligence (although I did get an E grade in AS-level psychology.) I'm not Robert Peston. My hair's not as tidy.

Despite these niggly problems, I think that I have finally found a solution to this decade old disaster. It's called football.

There is literally so much money in Premiership clubs that they don't know what to do with it all - look at the ridiculous fees paid in the recent transfer window. In the Football League it's a similar story, where players' relatively pitiful £1,000-a-week wages cause them to have to scrimp and scrape and visit food banks three times a day. Even the Premier League's lion drives a Bentley.

So, the master plan is this: instead of pouring all of this cash into the bank accounts of orange people in Cheshire and thrusting brown envelopes stuffed full of notes into the faces of incorruptible FIFA officials, distribute it to the wider community.

Get football clubs to employ everyone. Everyone. Give them all jobs in marketing to improve the club's image. Perhaps stop just short of child slavery, though. And I suppose people who already have jobs could be spared too.

All of these new recruits will then support their employer's team, spending their generous wages on season tickets and shirts - although the branded egg cups might still be a hard sell.

This allows the clubs to get some of their money back and boosts their attendance stats, as well as drawing more sales and further supporters from non-employees thanks to the rigorous advertising campaigns.

Despite being put under pressure to perform well, the competitive nature of the sport will keep all of the football clubs alive: more supporters will mean a higher demand for matches to be played, which will require lots of rival teams.

This strategy is supported by the huge appeal of football. The new FIFA 18 game is a perfect example because players become so engrossed in the spectacle of football that absolutely everything else in the world becomes obsolete - food, sleep and impending nuclear war all disappear from thought. Women won't be seeing their boyfriends for at least another two months.

Thanks to an almost full employment rate, tax collection and consumer spending will be boosted, improving public finances no end. Then before you know it we'll be back in the good old days of politicians using public money to buy duck houses and moats.

Of course, should that idea inexplicably fail, I have a back-up plan: all of the world's governments spend trillions of pounds at Tesco and get loads of free stuff with Clubcard points. Theresa May, watch out.