Parents of babies and toddlers are spoilt for choice these days. You can get anything you need for your baby online, from nappies and baby monitors to nursery furniture.
It's not uncommon, though, for some manufacturers to go a touch overboard. Just because it's there, does your baby really need personalised cutlery? Designer cloth nappies? An all-in-one baby changer/bath/cupboard thingamajig that takes up half the nursery and that you won't need by the time baby is six months old? Possibly not?
I did some browsing and found some baby and toddler products that border on the absurd:
Yes, you read right. No longer will you have to cut your grapes up manually to ensure Junior doesn't choke on them. Now you can have your very own grape cutter that quarters them for you. Because instead of – you know - actually cutting grapes using a knife, you can apparently save time by loading them into this useless contraption.
Along similar lines, you could rush out to buy your very own baby food masher. "The ridges on the Masher and inside the bowl ensure efficient mashing", crows the review. I love that "the Masher" is capitalised. Unlike, say, the potato masher and bowls you might already have in your kitchen?
If the Masher and the all-essential grape cutter don't already have you reaching for your credit card, you could always fork out almost R500 on a baby food processor and juicer. The whole family can enjoy this one, says the review, right down to the straw cup. Why on earth you couldn't just use the one you already have in your kitchen is a mystery to me, but feel free to stock up on one of these if it blows your hair back.
Just step away from the computer and play with your toddler.
This one has a fabulous name, so you might be forgiven for being taken in by it: The Frog Children Potty Toilet Training Kids Urinal for Boys Pee Trainer Bathroom. Yup, I'm not sure either, but it's on eBay, so I could get it today. This one comes with a helpful, completely out of proportion and horrendously inappropriate picture of a toddler having a wee.
When you're a new parent, you're terrified of Germs infecting your precious, so when he drops his dummy, what better product to have handy than a R55 packet of pacifier wipes? These sterilise your baby's dummy, teether and toys. The dirty secret is that by the time kid number three comes along, you'll be picking those dropped dummies up off the floor and sucking the germs off just like the rest of us.
Fisher-Price's latest product, the Think and Learn Smart Cycle, is an honest-to-God stationary bike for toddlers that you could own one for a mere R2000. Toy industry analyst Jim Silver is quoted on CNN as saying that "Considering concern around childhood obesity is greater than it once was, the latest version will likely appeal to parents". Parents who can't be bothered to open the door and let their toddler play outside?
This ridiculous product comes complete with a tablet holder on the handlebar, so your toddler can learn and play while he's cycling.
I can't even with this one. Just step away from the computer and play with your toddler.