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17/02/2015 05:33 GMT | Updated 17/04/2015 06:59 BST

Five Reasons the Tories Are Just Like Big Kids

- The Class Clown Is Popular Despite Having No Discernible Qualities

Children are simple souls really. They are quite easy to please. If you can make them laugh then they will be your friend. So at nursery or school there are always a few kids who try to take on the class clown role. They realise that if they can be silly enough to make the other children laugh then they will be ok. They will have a group of friends who will look out for them. They don't have to work particularly hard, they don't have to be clever and they don't have to nice. So they coast through school having a lovely time, oblivious to the real world. However as time goes by their classmates grow bored of this class clown. They want him to stop talking nonsense without really thinking and then having to back track once questioned about it. They do not want to be associated with the class clown as they realise that his reputation is bringing them down. They start to appreciate that his sunny disposition is really a cover up for a darker side - he actually isn't very kind, he isn't a bright spark (his mouth certainly works faster then his brain) and when it comes down to it he is only really interested in himself. So people start to distance themselves from the class clown. They know that he will struggle in the real world. He will either have to grow up fast or he will be lost in a world of grown ups doing grown up jobs and they will not carry him like his school friends did. Unless of course that clown becomes a member of the Conservative party. In which case his delusions of grandeur will be realised as he gets made Mayor of London.

- They Think Rules Are Important But Don't Think They Apply To Them

School is full of rules. Home life is full of rules. Life is full of rules. Children have it tough - rules to follow everywhere. And for the most part they follow these rules. But every now and then they get carried away and may break a rule or two. They feel bad for breaking the rules but they are only breaking the less important rules. So it doesn't really matter. And it's not like everyone is breaking the rules. That would be mayhem. It's just them and a couple of friends. That won't really matter will it? Of course they are a bit concerned about being found out so they start to cover their tracks. And children are pretty good at that. But something keeps reminding them of what they have done wrong, just a little niggle now and then. Not enough to make them own up of course. But a bit of each child actually likes rules. They like the way they keep a little order in their life. So when someone else breaks a rule they are the first to jump and announce it to the world. They are straight up to the teacher to snitch on their classmate. "Johnny claimed expenses for a flat even though he sub-letted and never actually went there." And of course Conservatives are the same. But for some reason both children and Tories don't seem to realise that continually shouting about everyone else breaking the rules eventually draws attention to themselves. Which annoys them. How dare they be accused of breaking the rules?! They didn't break the rules. It was someone else and they just followed them. It was a grey area and not actually tax avoidance. Well yes I did lie in court but I'm not sure you understand why... It isn't as simple as you think. No actually it is as simple as I think and you need to start behaving or at least put your hands up when you are caught out.

- They Don't Really Like New People Coming In To The Class

When someone new starts at school the other children tend to do a lot of staring at them. Ok sure one or two kids will make friends with the new kid (after being prepped to do so by the class teacher) but on the whole the other kids will stay away for a while. The first thing they do is whisper to each other listing all the differences between them and the new kid. "Her jumper is a different shade of blue." "She's left handed." "Her handwriting is really curly - urgh!" And then they laugh at the new kid when she doesn't know how the system works. "Ha ha ha - she picked up her water glass before she collected her dinner tray. Where on earth does she come from?!" "She can't find the toilets, she keeps trying doors and going the wrong way!" Of course when I say laugh at them I of course mean that they laugh at them behind their backs. But then the new kid starts to settle in. She has the correct uniform now, she knows where the toilets are and some people have even made friends with her. The new kid has become even more threatening. So the other children start to moan about the new kid to the teacher and the other children. "It's not fair, she got a brand new pencil when I have had my one for weeks!" "She's sat on the best seat, at the table near the window. I mean, I know I haven't ever shown any inclination that I wanted to sit there before but it's the principle of it. I might want to sit there one day and now I can't." "I think our class must definitely be full now. No more new kids please." And then as time goes by they actually find that they have been playing with the new kid and enjoying themselves. But they can't admit it because what would their friends say?! They can't go back to their gang and say that the new kids actually seem ok. That they enjoy the variety of backgrounds people in the class come from. Heaven forbid that they actually admit that they learned something from the new kid. So they go back to their friends and stick to the party line - ignore the positives of the the new kids for the class and just slag them off. Does this ring any bells? Yep, of course it does... The Tory party immigration policy everyone.

- They Know It's Important To Be Kind But Only Really Think About Themselves

If you were to ask a child if they thought it was ok that some children had enough money to have a nice house and go on holidays whilst other children didn't have enough money to replace old, worn clothes or eat a healthy warm meal each day then they would be quick to tell you that this was unacceptable. They would say that all children deserve to have food, clothes and shelter. They would admit that material items were a luxury and they would probably be a bit upset at the thought that they were so much better off than others. But then a couple of hours later they would be begging their parents for a new iPad or a trip to EuroDisney. They are just children though, who can blame them. They have other priorities and no way of helping others anyway. On the other hand the Tories are a political party made up of grown ups who should know better. When put on the spot they are all for help for those in their hour of need; support for injured soldiers returning from duty, benefits for the out of work or disabled, fair pay for NHS employees. Who wouldn't think want these things? But then not long after talking about the importance all this they accidentally give tax breaks to big businesses run by their friends, they sell off parts of the NHS to the more of their friends and they give nurses a 1% pay rise (assuming they haven't already earned a incremental pay increase which is given for continued development and not instead of a pay rise) whilst average earnings are up 4% and they themselves are being given 11%. They really do struggle these poor Tories. They know they should be looking out for everyone but the eleven year old boy inside them really only wants to look after themselves and their friends...

- When You Challenge Them About Something They Have Done Wrong They Instantly Tell You It Was Broken When They Got There

Now this really is a classic little kid situation. You find them standing next to a broken vase, shattered into a thousand tiny pieces on the floor. You open your mouth to ask what has happened but before you can get any words out they utter those words... "It was like this when I got here." Oh really? I can accept that the vase may have been on the shelf when you got there. I can possibly accept that it was probably sat a little to close to the edge of the shelf. But I think I can be pretty confident that it was your arsing around that caused that vase to fall. And I'll also bet that whilst the vase was on the shelf it was "your vase" but now it's broken on the floor it has become "our vase." I think you can see where I am going with this one... So let's give the children/Tory party the benefit of the doubt. Lets say that the vase was broken when they got there. I can accept quite a lot of moaning about the broken vase, maybe even moan for a year or two. But five years after the vase broke I would think was enough time to stop bloody moaning and starting clearing up broken glass. And certainly don't continue to break more vases on top of the initial broken glass whilst trying to pretend it was all on the floor at the start. I don't remember the last time I saw an episode of Question Time when the Conservative representative didn't start each answer with an monologue about the state the last government left the country in. And I'm bored of it. Really really bored. Grow up and take responsibility for the last five years.

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