Last August, Irish musical/comedy duo Rubberbandits won the increasingly prestigious Malcolm Hardee Award for Comic Originality which I organise at the Edinburgh Fringe. They are currently over in Britain performing at London's Soho Theatre this week and next week.
I thought it would be jolly to chat to them for this blog, because I thought there might be a chance they would pay me money in a belated, after-the-event bribe to win the increasingly prestigious Malcolm Hardee Comedy Award. Sadly, they preferred to do the interview by e-mail. Below is the result. I am a sadder, none-the-wiser, man.
At the time of writing this blog, their YouTube video Horse Outside has had 9,991,031 views.
Why will you only do email interviews?
We never said we only do email interviews. We said we only do face-to-bag interviews by Females.
Why the name? Shouldn't you be called The Plastic Bag Bandits?
In Ireland, people often use plastic bags as rubbers and also carry their groceries in rubbers.
Are you THE Rubberbandits or THE Rubber Bandits or just Rubberbandits or Rubber Bandits? Why?
Rubberbandits, We don't know why. But we know we were influenced by The Prodigy becoming Prodigy in 1995.
What's with the bloody plastic bags on your heads anyway?
It started off as a way of frightening rats out of a house and then we kind of left them on permanently.
Has the YouTube tsunami of views on your video stuff had any good effect?
Yes, the opposite effect of a tsunami ironically.
Has the Japanese tsunami had any good effect?
Yes, actually. A lot of independent music CD warehouses were destroyed and it reduced competition in the Irish music market for a month or two. Our CDs were intact.
Has your increasingly prestigious Malcolm Hardee Award had any good effect?
Very good for our fans' arguments in pubs back home when we get compared to Jedward.
Can you lend me £100? I'll give it back to you next week.
Yes, but only in cold war Russian money.
Why do you (and other people) think you're funny?
We're not funny. We're hardcore gangsta rappers. We have no idea why people laugh at us.
What type of comedy do you do? Is it like Miranda?
It has been described as battered comedy. Like normal comedy but if it was battered and deep-fried. Miranda would get a ride.
Are you rich?
Not yet filthy, just small but grubby.
Can you lend me £100? I'll give it back next week. Honest.
We can give you 50 now and we'll give you the rest four months ago. However there's interest at 100% so technically you should owe us 200 quid by now.
Will you ever be rich? Would becoming 'very rich' mean you're very good performers. If not, why not?
We will be rich. Not from performing, though. From our lucrative hot air balloon business where we encourage Americans to spit on roundabouts from 1,000 feet and take bets.
Would doing a big TV series or a movie be 'selling out'?
Would you have been as happy just being successful in Ireland, land of your fathers?
Our fathers are from Malta. We are using Britain as a gateway to the Maltese comedy scene.
Are you playing the Edinburgh Fringe again this year?
A bit too early to say. We were told to stay away from Scotland after we fellated a tern in Orkney.
Are you performing for six-to-eight minutes on the increasingly prestigious Malcolm Hardee Comedy Awards Show on Friday 23rd August this year? If not, why not.
See tern fellation above.
Can you lend me £100? I really will give it back to you next week.
When you give us back our £200 that you owe us from four months ago, we can talk.
What's next? How can you keep your act fresh?
We just throw the bags into a washing machine and Hey Presto!
Have you any good Jimmy Savile stories to increase the hits on my blog?
He had a spy camera on the end of his cigar. He used it to secretly film the camera man while he was on Top of the Pops. There's a rule in the BBC that if you are filming while being filmed then you are entitled to tell the Board of Directors a big secret and, if they ever utter it, they grow a set of donkeys' ears.
Explain the Irish 'Troubles' in two short sentences.
This piece of bread is just normal bread but this other piece of bread is haunted by the ghost of a bearded man from the Iron Age. Let's fight about it.
How would you describe the people who watch you on YouTube and come to see your shows? Are they different types?
In Ireland, they are young drunk people who don't know how to be quiet when we talk. In England, they are older beard-rubbing people who treat us like a monkey in the zoo that can talk.
Do people in the high-rise flats in North Dublin estates really take their horses up in the lifts?
Horses have an intrinsic fear of lifts, however they are quite adept at climbing stairs.
Why are the Irish funny?
Because we take the English language, pull its pants around its ankles and ask it to walk sideways like a Saxon crab.
Can you juggle spaghetti? Would you like to try on the increasingly prestigious Malcolm Hardee Comedy Awards Show on Friday 23rd August this year?
Seriously. Can you lend me £100? I'll give it back next week.
OK, here you go. But we've drawn missing teeth on the Queen's grin.