22/12/2015 13:07 GMT | Updated 22/12/2016 05:12 GMT

Britain Monolingulism Theatened by Foreign Kids

Immigration has been a hot topic in the news this year and fine upstanding tabloid Daily Express has been leading the charge in exposing Immigration-Related Things You Never Knew You Needed To Worry About. Now, it's unearthed a fresh scandal, with the news that the "English Language is Dying Out in Schools"

Although this is the kind of claim that gets you a sharp slap on the wrist from IPSO, nationalists are right to be worried. There are now 311 languages spoken in our schools and there's a very real possibility that the longstanding British tradition of monolingualism may be wiped out in just a few generations.

As one bigot explains "All these foreign kids coming into our country and speaking more than one language are giving our kids ideas. They're starting to think that maybe they'd like to speak foreign languages too and not just bellow English at people while sporting a lobster tan."

His words ring true with British expats and holidaymakers around the world. After all, if Britain had a constitution, the right to yell "Dos beers por favor" at bartenders, no matter what country they're in, would surely be enshrined in it. But, thanks to our inability to sit down and enshrine a list of things a couple of centuries ago, nothing is sacred. Like so many other things that were popular in the 70s, like sexism and Black Forest Gatateau, the "Costa del" dialect of English is in danger of extinction.

And it all starts in our schools. Leading the charge against foreign language integration is Ronald Youkipper of "Keep Britain Backward". He claims to have real, anecdotal evidence that English is dying out as a teaching language.

Says Youkipper "I went into one school and there was this foreign bird standing at the front of the class, talking entirely in French. Didn't speak a word of English. Even when she started unpacking her pencil case, she kept using French words. It's not a bic, love. We call it a pen. P.E.N. Is that too hard to understand?"

Naturally, he had a thing or two to say about immigrants as well.

"These immigrant children, they come over here, bother to learn our language and then..and then..."

When pressed on what would happen "then", Mr Youkipper was characteristically vague but he assured us it would be "very, very bad" and "unBritish".

Whether Mr Youkipper's nightmarish vision of an "UnBritish Britain" comes true is still to be seen but as long as he and other Britain First supporters are fighting to preserve the English language, at least we know it's in good hands. After all, as a local racist puts it: "the council's should b utterly ashamed of them selfs how can they justify this what's there fairy story"

Long live the English language!