THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 7 AM AND 8 AM ON THE DAY 12 OF THE SCHOOL TERM.
EVENTS OCCUR IN REAL TIME.
7.am Kid 1 and Kid 2 are dragged from their beds.
7.10 am Milk is warmed in the microwave for 28 seconds.
7.12 am Milk is served. Kid 1 kicks up an almighty stink as his milk is served in an unacceptable receptacle. Receptacle is changed to the appropriate one with an 'Olaf' on the front of it. Crisis averted.
7.20 am Mum slices two large bananas into perfect circles and cuts two slices of brown toast into identical square pieces and serves them up in the shape of two smiley faces to Kid 1 and Kid 2.
7.25 am Kid 1 accepts the offering with delight. Kid 2 lifts a handful of square- shaped toast and lobs it across the table at the woman that gave birth to him. 'YUCK!' he says with abject disgust.
7.26 am Mum will not be defeated and seeks the assistance of a fictional pig.
7.27 am Peppa Pig DVD is put on the telly.
7.30 am Both kids gawp at the telly with their mouths wide open, giving Mum the all-clear to plant food in their mouths without resistance.
7.45 am Final morsel of food goes down the hatch. Mum sticks her head in the fridge to cool herself down. She clocks the milk and remembers that her coffee is sitting on the counter awaiting a dash.
7.50 am Operation 'Put on clothing' commences. Mum chases Kid 2 around the house. He thinks it's a game. It's not. Mum wrestles him to the floor, removes a soiled nappy, gags on the stench of raw methane, cleans the area and secures it with a fresh nappy...all the while she is being kicked in the boobs.
7.55 am Next come the socks, trousers, vest and top which are all met with severe physical protest
THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 8 AM AND 9 AM
EVENTS OCCUR IN REAL TIME
8 am Kid number 1 dresses himself (joy!) but appears moments later with his trousers around his ankles. He bends over to touch his toes as he insists that his ass needs cleaning. Mum sighs and reaches for the baby wipes.
8.20 am Operation 'Find the shoes' commences. Mum says 'Where are your shoes?'. Kid 1 replies ' I dunno. I dunno'. Kid 2 does not respond. His face is pressed up against the flat screen TV causing snot to smear across the front of his idol, Peppa Pig. He is of no use.
8.23 am Mum drops on all fours and hunts for the shoes like a ravenous tiger in the wild. She tears apart the shoe rack, crouches under the cot, lifts the sofa with her almighty strength and roots through the toy box with crazed enthusiasm.
8.25 am Shoes are located behind the curtains in the hallway. Order is restored.
8.30 am Gloves on. Hats on. Coats on....zip jams. Try again. Zip jams...try AGAIN. After 4 attempts, Mum abandons the zip and opts for the back-up popper buttons. Result.
8.35 am. Mum lifts Kid 2 to put him in the pram. He screams and stiffens up as straight as a plank of wood. Mum bends him in half and secures him in the pram. He isn't impressed.
8.40 am Time to leave. Kid number 2 does a poo.
8.41 am Mum changes nappy. Again.
8.43 am Mum bends Kid 2 in half again and re-inserts him into the pram.
8.44 am Time to leave. Where are the keys?
8.45 am WHERE are the keys?!!
8.47 am WHHHEEEERRRE ARE THE KEEEEEYYYYYSSS??????!!!!!!!!
8.48 am Mum calls the school to tell them that Kid 1 will be late as she cannot find the keys to their self-locking home.
8.49 am Mum puts her head in the fridge to cool down. She spies the New York Baked Cheesecake. She sniffs it. She smiles.
8.50 am Mum finds the keys!!!....in the vegetable drawer.... in the fridge.
8.55 am Mum leaves the house with pure joy in her heart. Her coffee remains on the counter. Icicles now hang from the handle.
THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 9 AM AND 10 AM
EVENTS OCCUR IN REAL TIME
9 am Mum trots down the alleyway towards the rear entrance of the school.
9.01 am Mum discovers that the gate is closed: NO ENTRY TO THE REAR! Normally Mum is in full agreement with this statement but NOT on this occasion.
9.02 am Mum is forced to travel all the way around the block to the front entrance. She canters through the sea of push chairs, cars parked up on the curbs and parents casually sauntering off into the horizon as their kids have already been delivered safely to their classrooms. Assholes. She curses under her breath. Stops ...remembers her cheesecake. Smiles.
9.07 am Mum darts around the corner and can see the glorious school gates up ahead. The finishing line....ALMOST THERE!!!
9.08 am Kid 1 places foot in a giant pile of fresh tan-coloured dog shit. He is wearing his brand new pair of Clarks shoes that were purchased the night before.
9.09 am Mum grabs Kid 1 and rubs his soiled shoe frantically on the nearest patch of wet grass. It doesn't work. The filth is firmly engrained in the maze of grooves at the bottom of the overpriced shoe.
9.10 am Mum has NO choice but to grab a nearby twig. She manually scrapes the poo from the shoe. A fallen leaf comes in handy.
9.13 am Poo is successfully removed from the shoe. Ew!
9.15 am Mum hobbles through the school gates and leaves Kid 1 in reception. She signs a 'Late' form only 24 hours after receiving a certificates of '100% Perfect Attendance' from the school. She sighs and makes a note to shove the useless certificate in the recycling bin when she gets home.
9.20 am Mum leaves the school and pushes Kid 2 all the way home dodging piles of dog faeces as she goes. She is sweating profusely. Her hair is five times bigger than it was when she left the house. Her nerves are shattered.
9.21 am She limps home motivated by the prospect of a full cup of Nescafé served above room temperature. She then imagines what it would feel like to have a face pack made entirely of New York Baked Cheesecake.
9.35 am She arrives home and applies the face pack. Mmmmmmmmmmmm!!