10/10/2013 07:58 BST | Updated 10/10/2013 07:58 BST

Why Are Our New Boyfriends Still Here?

Having just played myself at Hangman, I got him down to his limbs, I thought some form of human contact was needed. I called my friend (fellow bipolaress, the one who turned up to a meditation class in a homeless shelter in a cocktail dress) and we tried to work out why our brand new boyfriends are still with us. Between my friend and I, in just the last few days, we've managed to lose their business by depriving them of sleep using the medieval 'scream the house down' technique, come clean about having false teeth, throw them out into the street in their pants, send them to A&E with a deep wrist cut, require toilet assistance, dump them on average twice a day, try for a baby, and go missing. I swear on Walford none of the above is an exaggeration. Either we are excreting a magnetic pheromone or they have patience of steel.

Wondering how far we need to go until they fake their own deaths, I thought up the following scenarios..

- Turn up on your first date wearing a Princess Diana style wedding dress, lame excuse being that all your clothes are in the wash

- Leave self help books lying around such as 'How To Survive Rejection' volume four, 'Fertility Tips For The Older Woman' and '101 Fatal Poisons And How To Administer'

- Morph photos to see what your baby will look like and frame them

- Give him a copy of Monday just gone's The Sun where the front page splashes '1,200 KILLED BY MENTAL PATIENTS'

- Put the theme tune to 'Animal Hospital' on repeat then surface from the bathroom dressed as a porcupine

- Leave your anti-psychotics' blister back lying around revealing that you've missed the last few days

- Put him down as your next of kin within an hour of knowing each other

- Book a holiday for the both of you for August next year (it's February this year and you've only ever seen three times, two of those were on Facebook)

We decided that they may just stick with us because they can see through our diagnosis. Just because we get consumed with our mental illness doesn't mean they do. Or, there are hidden camera's scattered around the house and a new channel four reality show commission. Either will do.