Not a day goes by where I don't make an excuse for why my baby is crying, often to very well meaning strangers.
I understand that there are only so many ways to make awkward conversation with the parent of a screaming baby. I know that the well-meaning strangers are just trying to be nice. I know, I know...but if you could just not ask 'why is the baby crying?' (and whilst I'm at it avoid saying 'Is he sleeping through the night yet?' because, I do not know that either).
But why am I making excuses for my baby crying? Babies cry don't they? The do don't they? Mine cry, other people's cry. I'm sure other peoples' cry. Other peoples cry, don't they?
Enough of the second guessing: Babies cry. End of. Sometimes you know why, sometimes you don't.
If you are still wondering why babies cry however, here are 64 reasons:
2. I just feel like it today.
3. I can't talk, so I cry.
4. Hungry (yes, the random old lady in the post office queue was right).
5. Tummy ache (after eating too much).
6. Wind (after eating too much and crying too much).
7. You are inadvertently squishing one of my body parts.
8. You are not looking at me.
9. You are not look at me in the right way.
10. I have seen your face too much today.
11. I want to see Daddy/Grandma/Grandad/Auntie/Random person, just not you.
12. Some stranger just pinched my cheek and tried to hold my hand.
13. Teething, please let me chew.
14. You brought the wrong teether.
15. That brand of baby food is too inexpensive. Where is the organic one from the lady and her kitchen?
16. The bouncy vibrating chair is unnerving (95% of babies hate this, 95% of parents want their baby to love it).
17. The sibling (hit/bit/poked/invaded personal space/looked at me/didn't look at me enough).
18. You went to the loo without me.
19. You went to the loo with me.
20. The buggy.
21. Is this the first time you have used a sling? You amateur.
22. You put me down.
23. You picked me up.
24. You are carrying me wrong.
25. You are carrying me right...if this were yesterday.
26. You are not swaying correctly, more lunge, less shimmy.
27. You are sitting down.
28. You are eating.
29. Your tea is hot.
30. It's too dark, I can't see you.
31. It's too light, you haven't aged well.
32. You have the iPhone brightness up too much during my night feed.
33. You are making pastry, doing that whole crumbling thing and the butter mixture is all over your fingers. I must be picked up now.
34. You don't smell right today.
36. Tired but don't want to sleep.
40. Poo or fart will not emit as planned.
41. Soggy baby grow hidden by dry outside of sleeping bag (countless mornings my parents have fallen foul of this one).
42. I scratched myself, my nails need cutting.
43. You cut my nails.
44. The hand drier.
45. Someone else is crying.
46. Someone sneezed.
47. Getting into the bath.
48. Getting out of the bath.
49. You need to go through the list again, as I may have changed my mind now as to why I'm crying.
50. I'm bored.
51. Wrong toy.
52. Still wrong toy.
53. Right toy, but now I'm really miffed at you for getting it wrong. Start at the beginning of the list again.
54. You need to sing that song.
55. Now do the actions with the song.
56. I am lonely, being with you 23.5 hours a day is not enough.
57. You put me in this barren cot.
58. You turned the mobile on to keep me company in my cot - that thing is freaking me out.
59. The video monitor is looking at me with its one big glowing eye.
60. You talked over the baby monitor (FYI, never do this, frightens the crap out of me. OK, do it once but just for a laugh).
61. You brought me into your bed but you are now too close/too far away/leaking milk all over me.
62. The car (used to be a winner, not anymore).
63. I'm developmental leaping (you will only know this in retrospect).
64. I am a baby, this is what I do.
Next time someone asks why your baby is crying or you feel you need to make an excuse about them crying - feel empowered to tell them to bog off.... Only joking, use your British reserve and just smile while seething underneath. Then come here, where you are always welcome and visit me at Doctomum.
So why do babies cry? The answer in summary is Unknown.
Another of life's great mysteries, eh?
Do you have anymore ridiculous reasons why your baby is crying? You are safe here to share them (the baby can't read yet).