10/06/2015 13:22 BST | Updated 05/05/2017 14:51 BST

What Mummy Really Means

As a mum I'm aware that most of the things I say to my children are lies.

Not big fat lies like that time I told my daughter it's illegal for children to have their own packet of crisps, just small untruths, things that don't mean exactly what they say.

Like any good drama, life as a parent is filled with subtext. Here are a few examples of things I say on a daily basis, all of which actually mean totally different things.

No wonder children find adults so confusing....

No you can't have another biscuit!

Shh! Stop asking for biscuits in public I've told everyone you only eat bananas and dried apricots for snack. Meet me in the toilets in five minutes and I'll stuff your tiny pockets full of bourbons.

Please sit nicely!

Stop waving your arse in my face. It is all I have seen all day. I'm worried that if you go missing and I have to describe you to the authorities all I will be able to say is that you are wearing purple Peppa Pig knickers with light to moderate staining.

Can you pick up your stuff?

Please, please, please follow one simple instruction while we are out in public. I am trying to maintain the pretence that I'm in charge.

What do you want to eat?

I've already made pasta. I'm only asking because I've made pasta. You always ask for pasta. There really is no point in asking this question. I wish I had an adult to talk to.

Shall we have a picnic?

I cannot face picking any more bits of food off the floor. All the carpets in this house are ruined and I think I heard the vacuum cleaner crying earlier.

Do you want to go to the park?

I do NOT want to go to the park. If I wanted to go to the park we would be there. I am clinging to the faint hope that if I give you the choice you may decide you want to go home. Please say you want to go home.

Shall we walk or take the car?

I cannot decide which is going to be more annoying. Wrestling you in to those bloody stupid seats or walking so slowly my legs will need re-waxing twice before we make it to the corner shop.

Who wants to bake a cake?

Daddy has eaten all my secret chocolate stash again.

Shall we snuggle up and watch a film?

Please go to sleep so I can watch Gossip Girl.

Let's put Frozen on!

I am literally at breaking point. I cannot take any more. I would rather listen to your appalling rendition of Let It Go than deal with one more toddler trauma today.

Let's do some painting!

Something has gone terribly wrong. Mummy has either been abducted by aliens or is being held at gunpoint in the other room, either way I am sending you a warning. If you hear these words please go seek help immediately.

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