11/12/2015 07:25 GMT | Updated 11/12/2016 05:12 GMT

It's Human Sausage Season


We female types have most likely been dieting, or at least pretending to diet, to look great in our LBD's and our 'bang bang' shoes (cheers Tulisa) this festive season. But despite our best, or more accurately, mediocre efforts, we still require the Bridget Jones pants and the super control tights to get us through all those party nights.

These elaborately tailored garments that are engineered to push all that excess, well, somewhere, turn us she folk into a form of walking human sausage, leaving no room for the pigs on sticks at the buffet. We daren't pee, are forced to walk with the waddling grace of a Christmas goose, and end up trying to tuck that forced up fat into a strapless bra that is already misbehaving. What a palaver, an absolute commotion.

Then we come across another tormenting choice - black or nude. The nude really do give you the full on sausage effect if that's what you are after, and they are almost certainly guaranteed to cost you an arm and both legs for one nights worth of use. Ladder-proof tights do not exist. The packets lie, get over it. Buying more expensive tights that promise such things is just going to leave you even more deflated at the end of the evening as your toes pierce through the ends, and ladders run from your groin to the knee (where you caught it with a bit of nail varnish) after your drunk wee and hoik debacle.

You know what, nude tights are actually one of the most ridiculous creations. As well as falling to pieces through one use, they are literally like a sausage skin. If you have ever made your own sausages you will know that pulling on that thin membrane makes absolutely no difference to the appearance of that sausage. Even if it is slightly tinted, you still see all the different tones of flesh, fatty bits, and blemishes, and I am afraid to tell you this but it's the same for your legs. Talk about false advertising. The skin is there to simply contain the ingredients, and I am pretty sure your legs aren't bloody going anywhere!

Now the black ones, the black ones just mean you don't like your legs, and you really don't want to be wearing a dress. However, they are a more sensible option because at least you can see that you are wearing something - they are not, unlike nude ones - a moo point (and yeah I know it's 'moot' but Joey is NEVER wrong). They still make you walk like a human sausage, and make you feel like one with all the bits and bobs trying to escape in rather unfortunate places, especially when faced with heat. Not a nice experience, and the same level of annoyance one experiences when frying a sausage for them to split and ooze everywhere and lose their sausagey shape. The most irritating part is these nylon encasements do not keep your thighs warm when out in the element, but when faced with a little warmth they are suffocating, its excruciating.

So sack off the body cons, the nudes, and the body con nudes this season. They are another banality of a society gone mad where women have to suck and squeeze and hold in all their lovely jubbly bits. Once you go black, you will not go back - they come in far more robust materials and thickness for warmth, an investment piece that you can actually bloody see!

Ladies, go forth, and strut your stuff like a flexible bit of streaky bacon, or better still that sexy ass pizza from that chewing gum advert, not a turgid, rigid, human sausage.