17/09/2013 07:32 BST | Updated 16/11/2013 05:12 GMT

But... I Love You

I wonder if it's a female thing this propensity to apportion blame on oneself for a relationship disaster. I can't recall many of my male friends blaming themselves for their love affairs going tits up... whether it is or isn't gender specific, it's a meaningless moan.

There's nothing pretty about self-pity; wallow all you like but it will only make you ugly and age rapidly. This is a scientifically proven er... fact.

When a friend bemoans their man-less state beginning with the usual self-blaming tactics 'If only I'd ....', my compassion dilutes and empathy wanes. Woman, take look at yourself, desperation is seeping out of every pore. You are sweating neediness. Baseline being; if you were a man, would you go out with you?

You may think I am being needlessly harsh but no one likes a loser, especially a self-confessed loser, it's elemental my dear. Blaming oneself for each disastrous romantic scenario is a total waste of energy.

Besides - no one is lucky in love 24-seven, not even Ann Widdicome, not even Cliff Richard. So finding yourself in an unwelcome state of single-dom may just be a run of bad luck. You know... one of those periods when it continuously rains on your parade; when it seems as if you are invisible to one and all; when getting a drink at the bar turns into an ordeal and the barman serves everyone but you. When strangers bump you in the street and goddamn it every seat on the f-ing tube is taken, or the worse case scenario ever.... LIKE EVER...

You are at a gig in the late 80s, watching as it happened The Waterboys. This was when you still lived at home. You bought the tickets months back and have learnt off the lyrics, cause the WB's are like your favourite band, period! You have dreamt about falling in love (and more....) with every band member and finally the day of the gig has arrived.

Your dad drops you into town. You and your best friend are all shrill and squeaky with innocent excitement... and push your way through the crowd, up to the front row and the band come on and you are jumping up and down... and then you notice the bass player is looking at you.

Yes, directly at you.

Your cheeks redden, you are smiling up at him thinking, 'Finally, finally, my luck is changing.' Cause the truth is, you haven't ever had a boyfriend... and this man is gorgeous... so you smile back at him and he smiles back at you and....

Wait until everyone at school hears about this. They are going to be so jealous! This is what you think ... I mean, Jesus F-ing Christ girl, you are having a Courtney Cox/Bruce Springsteen moment!

By the end of the gig, you have (in your mind), already moved in with him. The band take their encore, he nods at you, smiling all the while and suddenly you are bashful- and then you see him whisper something to the bouncer and point to you - your heart is pushing through your skin cartoon styleeee and then....

Then you notice the bouncer coming straight toward you. Oh yes, he is coming straight toward you... and you elbow your friend in the ribs, and...

Reality dawns.

The bouncer ignores you.... and goes... wait for it... for the blonde standing directly behind you.

Goddamn it sister!

If only I'd not worn my braces. If only I'd plucked the centre out of my mono brow. If only I'd lost all the puppy fat! If only I was a blonde-haired slut!

Yeah right!

As if!


Look, it happened a long time ago and I'm over it, but my point is we have all been there.

Alternatively, your run of bad luck in finding love could be due to your adept talent for attracting bastards. Hey... and the best thing about this is, it's not even a conscious desire, so it really isn't your fault - it's sub conscious, borne of a self loathing that only years of hard core therapy can rectify.

Anyway whether a) or b) thinking like a loser won't get you anywhere and certainly not near a person.

So... enough already with the self-pity and moaning.