03/06/2015 11:21 BST | Updated 02/06/2016 06:59 BST

Ten Signs I Am a Breastfeeder

Once again breastfeeding is hitting the headlines with the rise of the #brelfie which was swiftly followed by the #bressure movement.

I have been fairly blissfully unaware of both, plodding along on my own second breastfeeding journey with my second son, and now is the time to share with you the ten signs that I am a breastfeeder.

  1. I have odd shaped lumpy boobs from my breast pads slipping down and bunching up. Not only that but I swear one is bigger than the other #wonkyboobies.
  2. There is often a tell tale circular wet patch round each of my nipple
  3. There is a slightly sour milk smell that follows me round
  4. My nipples, well let's just say they won't live up to their pre-feeding glory days #ginormous. Neither will my boobs, apart from that one glorious day that mymilk came in when I had "Pammy" boobs. Said "Pammy" boobs were no good to anyone other than a feeding baby seeing as they hurt if you came within a foot of them. And were likely to spray whoever with a shower of milk.
  5. My wardrobe now consists of only clothes with easy boob access. Lots of stretchy lycra. Not very flattering. And generally milk stained.
  6. I've developed a sweaty sheen or "glow" that's leftover from pregnancy. I swear breastfeeding means you run at a higher than normal temperature. Plus I have a human radiator attached to me. Along with a variety of strategically placed muslins.
  7. My bras are no longer the pretty lacy affairs of pre-pregnancy glory but instead massive cotton things that clip at the front to allow baby access to aforementioned #ginormous nipples
  8. I am the one eating whatever you line because didn't you know breast feeding burns like a million calories?! I'll be a size 10 in no time, let's just ignore the fact that you haven't been a size 10 since I was 18 and I should probably PUT DOWN THE CAKE..
  9. I am an expert at doing things with one hand, while clamping a baby to my chest, and retaining my dignity by keeping the strategically placed muslin in place.... most of the time.
  10. When said muslin slips I actually don't care, because the baby has latched on and FINALLY shut his eyes. Have a good look at my no longer Pammy boobs and #ginormous nipples. I don't care, this child SLEEPS!

And in case you wondered, no you won't be seeing my #brelfie on any of my social media channels, the only kind of selfies I am allowed to take are toddler selfies. By order of the toddler.