18/04/2016 16:18 BST | Updated 19/04/2017 06:12 BST

I Will Never Know... Caesarean Awareness Month 2016

Did you know that April is Caesarean Awareness Month?

Both my boys were born by emergency c-section. Both births were filled with drama for different reasons. Both births lives were at stake, both theirs and mine.

But then, after the dramatics of my emergency c-section with the Baby the husband put his foot down and said no more babies. And with that, any tiny glimmer of hope that I would one day experience the vaginal birth I was desperate for after the terror of the Big One's birth.

I will never know what it's like to reach the magical 10cm. The furthest I got is five.

I will never have that moment of "ooh am I in labour". Both my births were medically assisted.

I will never know what the "ring of fire is".

I will never know what it is like to push with all my might to bring a baby into the world.

I will never know what natural, non-induced labour will feel like.

I will never know what my body is capable of.

I will never know.


I know the faltering smile of a midwife.

I know the worry trying not to show in their eyes.

I know the fear you feel as your room fills with people.

I know the look that passes between yourself and your husband.

I know the face of a man who is trying to be brave for me whilst crumbling on the inside.

I know the feeling of being hurtled down to theatre.

I know the terror of drugs not taking effect quickly enough.

I know shouting at the doctors to get the Baby out.

I know the tugging and pulling sensation.

I know the icy feeling of fear as the Baby is lifted out.

I know the waiting silence.

I know the seconds feeling like hours.

I know the relief of the cry that rings around the room.

I know the feeling of elation when my husband brought my baby to my head for the first time.

I know the love I felt.

I know the love I feel.

I know, now, that it doesn't matter about the things I don't know.

They don't matter anymore.


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