THE BLOG
18/04/2016 16:18 BST | Updated 19/04/2017 06:12 BST

I Will Never Know... Caesarean Awareness Month 2016

Both my boys were born by emergency c-section. Both births were filled with drama for different reasons. Both births lives were at stake, both theirs and mine. But then, after the dramatics of my emergency c-section with the Baby the husband put his foot down and said no more babies.

Did you know that April is Caesarean Awareness Month?

Both my boys were born by emergency c-section. Both births were filled with drama for different reasons. Both births lives were at stake, both theirs and mine.

But then, after the dramatics of my emergency c-section with the Baby the husband put his foot down and said no more babies. And with that, any tiny glimmer of hope that I would one day experience the vaginal birth I was desperate for after the terror of the Big One's birth.

I will never know what it's like to reach the magical 10cm. The furthest I got is five.

I will never have that moment of "ooh am I in labour". Both my births were medically assisted.

I will never know what the "ring of fire is".

I will never know what it is like to push with all my might to bring a baby into the world.

I will never know what natural, non-induced labour will feel like.

I will never know what my body is capable of.

I will never know.

But...

I know the faltering smile of a midwife.

I know the worry trying not to show in their eyes.

I know the fear you feel as your room fills with people.

I know the look that passes between yourself and your husband.

I know the face of a man who is trying to be brave for me whilst crumbling on the inside.

I know the feeling of being hurtled down to theatre.

I know the terror of drugs not taking effect quickly enough.

I know shouting at the doctors to get the Baby out.

I know the tugging and pulling sensation.

I know the icy feeling of fear as the Baby is lifted out.

I know the waiting silence.

I know the seconds feeling like hours.

I know the relief of the cry that rings around the room.

I know the feeling of elation when my husband brought my baby to my head for the first time.

I know the love I felt.

I know the love I feel.

I know, now, that it doesn't matter about the things I don't know.

They don't matter anymore.

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