I knew that becoming a mum would change my life. Having small people dependent on you kind of does that.
What I didn't realise was that having kids would make me DISGUSTING.
I thought I had standards.
I was wrong. I don't. What I do have is a list of disgusting traits I have picked up since becoming mummy to the two little men in my life...
I lick the Calpol syringe to catch drops before they form a sticky puddle on the side
But the real reason I do it is because I like the taste.
I sleep in a bed that's got baby vomit, leaked breast milk and baby poop stains over the sheets
If I changed it every time any of these substances ended up in our bed I'd be changing it twice a day. So I apply the 'baby wipes fix everything' theory and just give it a quick scrub.
I do draw the line at toddler poop in the bed though...
I pick both boys' bogey encrusted noses
Strangely satisfying. A habit that must stop as the toddler has taken to picking his own nose and handing me the bogey, less satisfying, more stomach churning.
I handle (and eat) half chewed food
The toddler hands me a half-eaten mushed banana. When there is no bin around. And I've had no breakfast. May as well eat it!
I inspect poo
I speak a lot of poo, it's one of the lessons learnt in early motherhood, poo bonds us all. When the toddler was first starting to wean I used to check his poo for undigested food (gross I know) but I could tell then what he was eating.
I have no issue being vommed on, in fact I try to catch it to avoid stains
Kids get sick. A lot. Especially when they start mixing with other kids and nursery. When kids are sick they need a lot of cuddles to feel better. My boys are too little to know to be sick in the toilet or a bowl so instead they generally just throw up all over me. I'm okay with this and will sit in sick covered clothes rubbing their back until they get it all up and feel better. My birthday was a prime example of spending the day covered in toddler puke. Ah well, 32 wasn't a special age at all.
I spot clean the house
Instead of pulling the mop out to clean the floor I sweep up and baby wipe the random sticky spots. And often wonder what on earth caused said sticky spots. Yuck.
I leave the house with baby sick (and worse) down my back and in my hair
The baby was sick so often one day last week that in the space of three hours he wore five different outfits. Myself and my dress weathered the same storm. I only wore the one dress. And kept it on until I got in the bath that night. At 9pm. And washed the sick out of my hair.
I'm a terminal bum sniffer
Not only of my own children but of other peoples children (provided I know them of course) I often play sniff the culprit. To be fair it's because nine times out of 10 the culprit belongs to me and it's not fair to inflict the stench of the toddler onto anyone else.
After the bum sniff, I'm the finger hooker
You know just in case that deep inhalation of poo wasn't enough of an idea that I've got to go on poo patrol I hoik the back of the nappy and have a good old peer down.
On occasion the poo has shot up the back a little. Less of an issue with the baby. More of an issue with the toddler. Toddler's have real poo. Up your fingernails.
What about you? What disgusting habits have you formed since you became a mum?
This post first appeared here.