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I have always been a worrier from an early age, which then led to anxiety about various things and situations. My anxiety seems to have escalated since I've had the little ones and sometimes it's consuming. Some days I have that knotting feeling in my stomach and I'll be worried all day - but about what? I really couldn't tell you, as I have no clue myself.
On occasions it is out of control and now it's nearly always centred around the little ones. If we are out in a busy place I immediately think the worst, they are going to run away, go missing or someone will take them and so on. I know all parents have this same fear, it's normal right? Yes, but the way I react to it is more than just a "normal" worry. If one of them leaves my eye shot for a couple of seconds I start to panic, my legs turn to jelly and I get tightening in my chest. One of them is hiding under the slide or behind the swing in the park, but I think they are missing.
I would have them in the pram or on reins all the time if I had my way but I want them to run free and embrace the outdoors. This is probably why we go on so many forest, mountain walks etc. as I know there are massive open spaces for them to run and for me to always see them.
Archie starting nursery was so hard for me and I still get anxious now. I know his teachers are amazing and are watching him at all times. I still worry occasionally what if he gets out and wanders off. When they say they are going on a nature walk it takes every ounce of me to not go along with them. I want him to experience these things without me and have fun, in those 2.5 hours every possible scenario will go through my head of things that might happen - it's truly exhausting.
My anxiety also spirals out of control when they are ill, I start thinking the worst. Will they end up in hospital? Is it a serious illness? I wake up all night just to go and check on them, I am slowly getting better with this as they have got older.
I hate the way anxiety makes me think and how it affects my parenting. James is so laid back about everything, I've never seen him worry in the whole 10 years we have been together. I worry that my anxiety is going to affect my babies and make them anxious worriers too. Archie is very much like me already, he thinks about situations he is going into and is more fearful of things. He also worries more and can be very clingy with me. It kills me that I may have passed this trait on to him. Frankie is the total opposite and so laid back she is almost laying down, she hasn't got an ounce of fear in her.
I obviously want them both to grow up being carefree and not afraid of everything. I try so hard to face my fears every day in order to keep them happy and raise strong, fearless children. I want them to be independent and confident in all that they do. I'll admit that my anxiety sometimes makes me really uptight about certain situations and as much as I try and hide my fears there can be not stopping them at times.
It can cause disagreements with James and I - he is good with understanding my anxiety but I can see how frustrating the things I do can be for a non sufferer. I will start panicking before he takes them out without me, I will say the same things over and over about him watching them - don't let them go far, text me and let me know you are ok - the list goes on.
I try so hard to be carefree and laid back and some people are shocked when I say I suffer with anxiety as I do mask it really well. I've only recently openly admitted and talked about the fact I have anxiety. I can have some good days, weeks, months where it calms down. But I don't think I'll ever escape its grasp. Anxiety I truly do hate you.