If there is one real tragedy of our age, it's the plight of the well-off, able-bodied man. Thanks to equality, which "often only applies to women", and silly jumped-up ideas about giving free hospital parking spaces to carers, it can feel like everyone is trying to make life a little less skewed to their advantage. However, they can sit tight on their investment properties knowing that Philip Davies MP, Britain's self-appointed Defender of the Privileged, has their back.
Last Thursday, the MP for Shipley who "always votes in favour of true equality" made a rousing speech in a parliamentary debate marking International Men's Day, of which he is a top - perhaps the only - supporter. "The problem is virtually everything we do in this House and debate in this House seems to start with the premise that everything is biased against women and something must be done about it - never an appreciation that men's issues can be just as important and that men can be just as badly treated in certain areas as women." By House, of course, he meant the House of Commons, that well known feminised institution. Did you know that men account for a little over two thirds of MPs now? It must be terribly tough for them.
Talking about division between men and women, he said: "I think often the problems are stirred up by those who might be described as militant feminists and the politically correct males who sometimes pander to it". Thus stirring up division between men and women whilst also insulting both sides - now that's equality.
When it comes to ensuring those with less advantage in society don't get a break, Davies record has to be almost unrivalled. His greatest hits include that time he voted against gay marriage because it would discriminate against straight people who can't enter into civil partnerships. If only there was someone in the government who could propose to do something about that. Then there was the time he waffled on in parliament for 90 minutes in order to talk out a bid by a Labour MP to exempt carers from hospital parking charges. He himself claims for parking on expenses, even charges of less than a £1, but then he's a deserving Tory MP with an extra income from renting out his London flat, not a carer with an allowance of £62.10 a week. And what about - and this has to be one of my personal favourites - when, in 2011, he suggested that disabled people should work for less than the minimum wage in order to "get on their first rung of the jobs ladder".
It's been a slow rise, but now Davies is on fire. Last week alone he added to his IMD triumph with comments that more women should go to prison to achieve equality (read this), and filibustering another bill that proposed the introduction of first aid training for children. It feels like Peak Davies isn't far off, and I would like to take this opportunity to propose some further ideas to add to his pro-privilege canon:
• Short people have, for too long, enjoyed paying the same price as their taller counterparts in supermarkets when they require far more assistance to get items from the top shelf. This is an outrage. Let's readdress this balance and ask that people below 5"5 pay 10% more on farmhouse muesli, porn and other tricky to reach items.
• Women get to give birth on the NHS, a blatant bias towards them when you consider that no man has ever received the same benefit. Let's sort this out.
• Davies is the master of the filibuster, so why not branch out? Since the original filibusters were the pirates of the Caribbean, how about turning up to parliament in full Deppesque garb? Those lefty do-gooders will be so flabbergasted they'll forget whatever anti-privilege bill they were planning on boring everyone with.
• Following his public criticism of a law that would require landlords, such as himself, to make homes fit for human habitation, I suggest Davies goes one step further and supports the full re-introduction of the feudal system with rental peasants swearing full allegiance to their (land)lords. This way, on top of the rent received, a tax on earnings could provide an extra income flow for him. Oh wait...
That's just for starters. I have no doubt that we're looking at bright, trite and very entitled future from Mr Davies. So may I be the first to say: All hail Britain's long awaited Defender of the Privileged. He's just what our society needed.