07/02/2017 12:11 GMT | Updated 08/02/2018 05:12 GMT

An Open Letter To Our First Baby


Photo credit: author's own

Dear Baby,

Today could have been your fourth birthday.

Today your daddy and I could have been singing Happy Birthday to you. We could have watched you open your presents. Seen you smile as you blew out the candles on your cake.

We could have taken you to see the animals at London Zoo. Maybe you would have asked to take one of your new toys with you.

Perhaps you would have asked for an Octonaut party. Or you may have asked for a princess party like your sister.

We will never know. And we will never know you. Like three of your brothers and sisters you left our lives too soon. You left us before we got to meet you.

I think of you as our first son. I don't know why.

We never got to know for sure.

When I saw you on the scan you were a ball of cells. A ball of cells without a heartbeat.

The consultant didn't even give you the name baby. To him you were a medical term. Clinical. Cold.

"The retained products of conception."

But to us, you were more than that. So much more than that.

You were our first baby. You were dreams and hopes and wishes.

When I saw the words pregnant on the test I smiled.

Your test was the first. And sadly it was the only test that bought me joy. The other tests always brought me a sense of anxiety. Numbness.

But finding out I was pregnant with you was one of the happiest moments of my life.

I remember carrying the test in to the bedroom to show your daddy. A huge smile on my face.

I hugged my belly and fell in love.

I fell in love with the idea of you. Our baby. Our first baby.

Sadly we lost you in July 2012. I was 11 weeks pregnant. But you had gone from our lives at six weeks.

Yet my body didn't want to give you up. It wanted to hold on to you. Just as I wanted to hold on to you.

I gave birth to you in the local delivery suite. In a private room.

It was not the delivery suite experience we had wanted.

We left the next day, empty handed.

We did not get to take you home.

But, dear baby, today could have been your birthday. And in my mind, today IS your birthday.

I love you baby.

Mummy loves you.

And I miss you.

I know we are blessed to have your sister and your brother. They are our rainbows. They are our miracles.

But you were our first baby. You will always be our first baby.

Lots of love

Your mummy


This post was originally featured on the family, lifestyle blog Mrs H's favourite things. Find Lucy Howard on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.