The Blog

We've All Been DUP'ed: The £1Billion Farce

iodrakon via Getty Images

It's all a bit embarrassing really isn't it?

£1 billion.

There's nothing like a bit of transparent corruption among friends is there.

My husband once surprised me with a mini break, how lovely you might think. And lovely it was. However I couldn't help but wonder where this stash of cash was when the washing machine had broken down the previous month. It had been a credit card job at the time - my husband had kept Schstum that he had been squirrelling much needed wonga under the mattress...

Do you see where I'm headed with this.

£1 billion.

Our primary schools have been appealing against murderous cuts to its funding, screams of 'We are at crisis point' have been widely reported from head teachers, and thankfully splashed all over the press in recent months. May did nothing. Serving back pleas of austerity, and lack of coffers. Mock suprise over her face.

We have all been told, just like a parent telling a pleading child who desparently wants the latest Hachimal,

"We are broke, we have no money. Go fish!"

Ok we all said. We can't have what we don't got.

Well blow me down, as I switch on the news yesterday and there is our Wheat field runner of an PM - who I voted for, signing over £1 BILLION.

£1 billion?

At first I thought the news anchor had said £1million in exchange for the support of the 10 DUP members of parliament.

My initial thought was, 'Christ, lucky them! Money for nothing!'

But wait, what's that you say? 'One BILLION pounds'?!

Dr Evil's voice was immediately present- bellowing this figure around my head. Maybe there is a likeness between Austin Powers and Teressa that I hadn't noticed before, although I can't imagine her uttering 'Shagtastic baby'. Or maybe this dark horse does, just for her Northern Irish BFF's.

How happy did the 4 of them look! While May kept her demure face all poker, they practically skipped out of that signing press call. I didn't even realise you could buy votes, or 'support'. Now I'm no expert, but it sounds a teeny bit to me like CORRUPTION.

Which brings me to my next point, a few weeks ago most of us had never even heard of the DUP. I'd voted conservative, albeit a vote I am beginning to sorely regret, not for a party which I had to google. Yet here they are running back to Northern Ireland, laden down with our cash. That's 30% more funding per head than the rest of the United Kingdom - GMTV says so.

Cash we were told we didn't have.

So where's it come from Tess?

I'd love to know. I'm pretty sure Jeremy Hunt would like to know too. As one of the most hated MP's ever thanks to his dictatorship over the NHS and junior Doctors, I'm pretty sure he would have loved access to this golden honey pot having towed the austerity line.

Mrs May, you appear anything but your cheesy tag line 'Strong and Stable'. I knew I had heard it somewhere before, but I couldn't quite remember where. A few days ago I was grabbing my reusable bags for the lidl shop (Becasue, austerity), you'll never guess what I saw...

Tory slogan inspiration. I have a feeling Attenborough would argue elephants are more loyal, honest creatures however.

At least you kept your job though eh Tess. I hear the welfare state isn't all it used to be...