October, millions of us are trying to quit smoking, Peter Higgs has won the Nobel Prize for Physics and Halloween is just around the corner, as are the getaway cars of New York thieves who stole six hundred pumpkins from a farm. Well make the most of your loot, your newly tar-free lungs and your scientific acknowledgements because according to Bob Geldof, we're all going to DIE!
Yes the ex-Boom Town Rat has predicted that human extinction will happen by 2030. Typical! Just as the clocks go back an hour. Twitter, over to you:
Geldof announces the Human Race is over...
@Diversion50: ...*sings* "....there's no need to be afraid".
Or is there...?
@Charisma_Effect: The earth reacts with shock and fear as we realise it's actually the title of his new album.
Surely it's not a convoluted ploy to promote himself?
@SandyFootwells: Geldof announces the Human Race is over, so give me your f***ing money.
I take it back. Aside from the world ending...
@kitkant: Geldof announces the Human Race is overestimating the social significance of parents giving their children a really naff first name.
Anyway, enough doom and gloom let's all dress in black, stick a coffin in the front garden and celebrate the living dead. It's almost Halloween! Chief among concerns at this time of year is where to get a cheap pumpkin and there's none cheaper than those untaxed, back of a pick-up truck ones they get in New York. With criminals prepared to pilfer from pumpkin patches, News Punch issued this:
The Gangs of New York are stealing pumpkins...
@richardsmind: ...it's brought the whole area to a stand still. A vegetative state.
@FemmeDonestique: Jack the Lantern warned Jimmy the Glass Shoe not to strike before midnight or he'd be smashing pumpkins in a chain gang.
A sweet comic treat from:
@TheSarcasticOwl: "The gangs of New York are stealing pumpkins," a father tells his children, not realising the pumpkin crumbs round his mouth have already given him away.
@musical_statues: according to NYPD spokesman Jack O'Lantern...
the thefts appear to be a copycat crime based on scenes from...
@BadScentsHumour: ... the B-Movie, Straight Outta Pumpkin.
Ok there has to be a winner this week as there wasn't one last week and just because I laughed at this one the most, here is @GI1970 with:
The Gangs of New York are Stealing Pumpkins Voted Worst Sequel Ever.
More News Punch soon.
*Some tweets have been edited to suit the article or to correct errors etc. Original tweets can be viewed by clicking on the @ names.