The conference season is nearly over, thank God! All UK news feeds are clogged and clotted with, well... clots. Each party declaring they can turn our fortunes around while each of their leaders roll around in their fortunes, probably naked, certainly with a soundtrack of wailing hungry kids and striking public sector workers outside.
But I digress, This week it was the Tories turn to slap themselves on the back for a job well done, or should I say half done. The Chancellor, George Osborne spoke of the good work the coalition had done fixing the mistakes of their 'deluded' predecessors but there was more to be done. David Cameron's, 'let me finish the job,' made me imagine him with a baseball bat, standing over a bloodied homeless person, fighting for breath.
Sorry this is supposed to be light isn't it? Comedy! Ok punchline fans, let's do this.
Theresa May, back-dropped by the Union Jack, promised a tough ride for foreigners wanting to stay in this country who don't have multi-national business interests or a fleet of lawyers, and hinted at quitting the European Human Rights Convention, so I issued this:
Humans have rights. Theresa May has...
@martintagg: ...Doubt, or she'd be Theresa Will.
@kitkant: ...once again taken ethical advice from Mein Kampf and identified a group of people to hate.
An accidental lyrical masterpiece from:
@Diversion50: Theresa May has political kites.
@BadScentsHumour: ... totalitarian delights
and...
@BadScentsHumour: ...career-defining fights.
@BadScentsHumour:# ...the home office policies of a Hitler-lite.
@FemmeDomestique: a great deal with Easy Jet, deporting with one way flights!
But the winner this week is @GI1970:
Humans have rights. Theresa May has asked lawyers to clarify if that includes poor people.
Back to Mr. Osborne, a clap of thunder sounds out at the mention of his name, like Voldemort or Rupert Murdoch. Imagine him residing over the gates of heaven...
GEORGE OSBORNE AS ST PETER RESIDING OVER THE PEARLY GATES
OSBORNE: I don't care who you are Jesus, walking round like you own the place. If you never went the Bullingdon club... I'm sorry, you lived honestly, helped your fellow man and did your bit for the planet? F*** off!
GEORGE OSBORNE AS ST PETER RESIDING OVER THE PEARLY GATES
FEMME: Let me in you twat.
OSBORNE: Not unless you swear eternal allegiance to the Tory party.
FEMME: I'd rather go to hell.
OSBORNE: Farage is holding Cerberus' lead down there.
FEMME: He earned the right - you're being used up here too, Tory door boy.
I felt the need to really hit home what I had in mind so in an unprecedented move, this week I've written a sketch myself:
GEORGE OSBORNE AS ST PETER RESIDING OVER THE PEARLY GATES
ME: Am I dead? Is this heaven? Oh God it's You!
GEORGE: Yes the previous administration were too forgiving.
ME: But isn't that the point?
GEORGE: We're just making things fair for those who pray for it. The long term un-alive will have to work for their afterlife, the paralysed will take up their spare beds and work...
ME: I'd rather go to hell.
GEORGE: Oh, Margaret will be pleased.
More News Punch soon.
*Some tweets have been edited to better suit the article or to correct errors etc. All tweets can be viewed by clicking on the @ names, or the numbered links in the case of sketches.