11/12/2012 19:14 GMT | Updated 10/02/2013 05:12 GMT

The Royals Must Not Let Their Zygote Be Seized by the PR Zeitgeist

The only thing more nauseating than morning sickness has to be the wearisome and banal royal baby chatter that has been assaulting my senses this week.

It hasn't just been politicians and celebrities clamouring over crowds of well-wishers to be the first to congratulate the Royal couple; the pranksters are back in town and have broadcast news of the microscopic monarch quite literally around the world.

Even Prince Charles ran with the antipodean caper, quipping that he might in fact be a radio station when stopped by inquisitive journalists on Thursday.

Rest assured that this is a very early present for the PR industry. PRs will be peddling their wares and attaching products and brand events onto the media charabang at every opportunity. Sales speak stronger than sentiment, and the baby care PR pixies have been stat-spinning like a tribal dervish overcome by super-strength hallucinogenic cacti.

It's not just the PR pixies either; the nation's press barons have been roused from the last chance saloon into a swirl of sycophancy, each trying to prove their devotion to the Royal household. God save K-Midda, redeemer of hacks.

It's astonishing how the young royals are capable of detracting the public's attention from almost anything. The appeal of the royal brand is utterly captivating and is capable of seizing the interest of then nation even in the most unlikely conditions: Christmas? Benefit cuts? Leveson? Sex scandals? Never heard of 'em.

The PR and marketing world know a good thing when it hits them and are adept at leveraging candy floss from the nation's Good News Bible. Unfortunately, we are all too keen to gorge on the glycaemic rush.

The pages of the Daily Mail and the Daily Telegraph have been sprinkled accordingly with a hearty helping of product placements, and Emma Bridgewater is already sending out a royal flotilla of gurgling memorabilia our way.

There is a positive side to all of this, however. Despite the Duchess being denied the opportunity to make the announcement herself, this has been an excellent platform for public service PR. Pregnancy Sickness Support has had the opportunity to inform the public about the severity of the condition and has provided advice on how to deal with the symptoms.

If Ms Middleton's symptoms are indeed an indication of twins as the hearsay suggests, then the double trouble may be of a constitutional nature. Although the new ascension legislation is a move in the right direction, it'll be interesting to see what will happen if the New Year heralds the birth of twin royals of different genders.

On Tuesday, Grace Dent remarked in the Independent that the media's treatment of women has not changed much since Diana's days. Ms Middleton hasn't had the chance to announce her pregnancy herself, and the only qualities that she has been celebrated for have been her dress sense, marriage and now, her pregnancy. If the monarchy want to continue to appear future-facing and innovative, it would be wise not to fall into this trap.

Since their wedding, Wills and Kate have been unable to escape the spectre of the Royal Bête Noir, Princess Diana. While their happy union has created a new image for the royal family, it is inevitable that the press will start to draw comparisons.

As I remarked in June, the royal zygote is going to prove the next step in what is likely to be another turbulent chapter in the history of the monarchy. While this immaculate conception has proved a fitting finale to bring the Jubilee year to a close, the Dynamic Duchy will have to put in a lot of graft if they want to continue to capitalise from the success that they have had this year.

I wonder what the odds are on the ultimate PR stunt coming to fruition in the form of Queen Diana I?