21/01/2014 09:08 GMT | Updated 22/03/2014 05:59 GMT

Ukip: "God Wants Referendum On Europe Now"

Political ingrown toenail UKIP has confirmed that God wants a referendum on Britain's EU membership now and will not wait until 2017.

This latest revelation follows party councillor David Silvester's declaration that gay people cause bad weather and that Eastern Europeans are linked to childhood obesity.

A source within the party insisted that God, unlike his son Jesus, is not the forgiving type.

The source said: "There is no doubt that our Lord would not want Britain to stay in the EU. Everyone who has ever read the Bible knows that God is a right wing xenophobe.

"There is also evidence to suggest that Dinosaurs' opposition to free market economics resulted in the almighty hurling a giant rock at them."

He added: "God is very particular about his politics, and even though he wasn't fussed about the unlawful killing of Iraqi civilians, he draws the line at a European super state inhabited by people who have the freedom to marry each other."

While UKIP's claims may seem like the ramblings of a drunken lunatic from the 1970s, there are now reports that Bulgarian and Romanian immigrants have abandoned Britain because of its ungodly weather.

Last month, UKIP suggested that Romanians in particular enjoy eating their own children whilst contributing nothing to society.

However, a spokesperson for the group of huddled foreigners, likened the UK to a puddle of hysterical concrete hanging above the sun drenched utopia of continental Europe.

"Britain is about as enticing as a colonoscopy administered by a pack of angry dogs.

"Most of us are already in Spain and Italy, where doing nothing and not speaking English is encouraged."

UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, confirmed most of his party are still hiding in their homes, armed with guns and a lack of education, waiting for something that will probably never happen.

He said: "The thought of Bulgarians and Romanians coming here and pushing their communist propaganda onto our gullible poor people is not on. It scares me, and I have neither the time or the integrity to analyse exactly why."