17/01/2017 02:56 GMT | Updated 17/01/2017 02:56 GMT

Here's A Guide To Surviving January After You Ruined Your Life In Dezemba

January is the long hangover after the Dezemba revelry. Here's how you can get your life back in order again, you silly fool.


Tis the season to be a part of the struggle! It is January, the month where we find our hearts being filled with a whole lot of regret due to our spending habits during the festive period. It's the month where we see that all of our dreams and goals are a possibility due to the "New Year, New Me" slogan. It is also the month where "back to school" adverts dominate your life and matric results have a few people feeling a tad nervous.

What if there was a guide to survive the first month of the year? A guide that will help you ease into the New Year and perhaps help you start doing some changes in your life- a guide that is more effective than a Doom can? Well ladies and Gentleman today you are in luck because here's something that should really help you.

We all have come to the realisation that 2016 humbled us and was definitely the year where the impossible became possible. I mean, look at the US elections. Looking through my social media, I've realized that no one, I mean no one has used the slogan "New Year New Me" and it's a about time that we don't say that anymore, but we still need to get rid of those lame, "I haven't showered since last year" jokes and if you're still using those on the 9th of January then you definitely need some Doom sprayed in your life.

Now surviving the Struggle Games (The Month of January) is actually really simple, because all it boils down to is how badly you want to get through it. You have to be more determined, like Taylor Swift going for her next break up or Danny K trying to revive his music career.

The first and probably the biggest problem we face has to be the finances - we tend to over spend in the festive season thus giving us little to no money in January and we are forced to watch the tumbleweed in our fridge and wipe the dust off our stoves. The only way we can get through this is if we start planning better and spend our money wisely.

From troubled finances we go into that crazy "BACK 2 SCHOOL" advert, they hit all our TV screens and to be honest as a kid the very first ad I saw made realize that my holiday was finally over. Seeing that first advert was more devastating than the Springbok's performance in 2016. How can we solve the "Back 2 School" adverts? Easy, suck it up because when you have kids one day you will appreciate those specials.

Not only is this month the peak of struggle, it's also the time where our matriculants are stressed out of their minds as they are preparing their hearts and minds for those results. It's the one and only time when your whole family knows when your education results are coming out and everyone is expecting to hear what you received. Look, there's no real pressure. To be honest you could flunk out and still become the president.

We can't finish the article without mentioning New Year's resolutions and the one that most of us have been making is getting a summer body. Personally, I've been making this resolution for the past 5 years and I can safely say that my six pack is finally out of the fridge but still not on my body. Start off by making smaller achievable goals for yourself and remember to keep pushing and stay motivated. I promise you that by next summer you will finally have that bikini or topless photo at Clifton 4th Beach like every South African Instagram model.

If you follow these steps, I can't assure you that you will survive the struggle games, I'm not a sangoma but I can tell you that the beginning of your year will be something different. We're almost halfway through and it seems like change is on the agenda, I mean we saw it with the Hollyweed sign. I wish you a blessed year and may the odds forever be in your favour.

The Mictionary:

  • Doom Can: An insecticide that is believed to be able to cure you of all of your demons and bad luck. I once sprayed it on my body to get skinny..... I'm still fat.
  • Struggle Games: The Month of January.
  • Taylor Swift: Singer, Songwriter and Relationship Expert.
  • Danny K: South African Music legend. I back his music all the way and I'm a big fan ok.
  • Springboks: South African National Rugby Team who finished 2016 ranked Arsenal (4th Place).
  • Clifton 4th Beach: One of the best beaches in Cape Town. People usually go there to take pictures to boost their likes on the Gram.
  • South African Instagram Models: Usually gets lots of likes on the Gram and captions make no sense as to what is actually going on in the photo.
  • Sangoma: Witch Doctor.
  • Mitch Matyana: Wrote this piece. Average jokes, doesn't have a huge following on the Gram, Once dated Taylor Swift and dreams of getting that topless picture at Clifton 4th Beach for the gram.