05/08/2014 07:49 BST | Updated 04/10/2014 06:59 BST

Jurassic Park

I've never in all my life been forced to be in such denial. (Apart from the time I pooed myself in the cinema and I kept telling myself I hadn't) Right now the best festival in the world is taking place. And I'm not there. That bitter sweet nostalgic notion bubbles up and swamps over the sick emotion of pure jealousy. The memories and the attachments from the last 2 years at Edinburgh festival are still ripe in my mind. To not be part of this for 2014 feels like a stab of solemnness right in the pit of my stomach. But as a fellow comedian recently told me - Edinburgh festival ain't going anywhere.

The previews, the posters, the flyers, the reviews, the party's, the free shows, the paid shows, the dramas and romance, the fights, the late nights, the early mornings, the hang overs, the sun sets, the sun rises, the mess, the preps, the props, the junk food, the drinks, the discounts, the new friends, the old friends, the one night stands, the flings, the relationships, the enemies, the competition, and the fabulous memories that Ill be missing this year. I hate this feeling.

On the flip side I am travelling to America at the end of the month to do some gigs in New York. Then driving down the East coast from New York to Orlando Florida.. All 999 miles of them. It sounds like a movie doesn't it. Thelma and Louise with out the suicide I hope. I cant wait. Plus I'll be seeing my very best friend with the sick sense of humor.. You know the one. Povs, Patsy, Partner in crime. Cocktails , champers and many laughs to come. In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, just Google POVS AND HEFTER.. what you find sums us up.

However, I can bet that gigging in New York will not QUITE be the same as walking toward my own venue along the cobbled streets of Edinburgh, clutching a can of Red Bull and a wad of my own flyers. Oooohh I hate this!!

As I've told myself repeatedly, in a months time it will all be over and I won't be the one with the extra weight and the come down from hell. But with every passing minute I'm thinking of all the fun my fellow comedian is having performing to people from all over the world and partying until the early hours.

I was planning to watch some previews in London. Show some support, give 'em my love. I had 5 or 6 penciled into my diary. I didn't turn up to one. I shut my bedroom door, went to bed and watched old episodes of Bottom on YouTube instead. I couldn't bear to go and sit through an hour of new sparkly polished jokes reminding me of that Id be missing. It would be like having salt rubbed into my open wounds of envy. My thoughts were with the Bastards though.

In case your wondering why on earth I named this months blog Jurassic park.. It was the film I shat myself in.