The Blog

Life Ain't Easy for a Boy Named Kim

The evil imperialist American dogs cut off North Korea's internet feed this week. Or it could have been someone at Kim Jong-un's place accidentally kicked the plug out of the wall that links them to their dial-up connection.

The evil imperialist American dogs cut off North Korea's internet feed this week. Or it could have been someone at Kim Jong-un's place accidentally kicked the plug out of the wall that links them to their dial-up connection. Either way, the glorious Democratic People's Republic of North Korea was without the World Wide Wait for two whole days during which time none of the Democratic People noticed. It is hard to feel any loss at the absence of an internet feed when you don't have a computer. Or electricity. Think of it - an entire nation of people that have grown up without access to Justin Bieber, or videos of cats that look like Hitler, or dogs teaching puppies to walk down stairs. They have had no poking of Facebook friends, and are so behind the times they don't even know that MySpace is over. The have experienced neither flash mobs nor Gangnam style and they still think that Amazon is a river.

Satellite images taken at night show the Earth is ablaze with light from man made illuminations. Europe is washed with luminescence. America, both North and South, is hard to look at it is so bright. China has pockets of eye boggling incandescence within its vast confines and one could even say Arabia is lit up like a Christmas tree except that they don't do Christmas and they haven't any trees. North Korea, on the other hand, is as dark as one of Gordon Brown's moods.

No brilliance escapes it because its people have no street lights, or house lights, or car lights, or cars. They have no way of finding their way to the cinema at night and nothing to see when they get there because they have no cinemas. They have none of the things we take for granted like power showers or cash machines. There's another thing they don't miss - why have cash machines if you haven't any cash? They do not enjoy frothy coffees with silly names, or take-away... anything. They have no flat screen televisions nor mobile phones, despite the fact that their Western slave southern neighbour is where they all get made.

The people of the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea do not even get to enjoy a democracy - it doesn't even do what it says on the tin. And they don't have tins either. Tins are a conspiracy to sap the strength of the glorious United Workers Party and food will make you weak. That is the message of the Michelin Man with the toddler's face that is running that country at the moment. (Message not verbatim)

None of these privations apply to the Drear Leader Kim Wrong-un. He looks like a man who has had his breakfast and the breakfasts of most of the rest of the population too. Space Hoppers are more svelte. He enjoys the lifestyle of the kleptocratic dictator because the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea is not a democracy, rather it is a family business run along the lines of slave plantation or cotton mill and is handed down from one nut case family member to the next on the event of their passing. Korean leaders don't even disappear after their demise - the previous leader Kim Il-sung was anointed Eternal President of the Republic after his ending. Since he died, he's never been so busy. North Koreans will never forget his death day, nor his birth day, mostly because their calender starts in 1912, the year of his beginning. This is not normal. There is precious little about this self blighted country that is. And now they are going to start WW3.

The first World War began when the facially hirsute Archduke Ferdinand took a prohibited wrong turning up a side street in Sarajevo, which at the time was not covered by the Google Navigation app. He got killed because of a traffic violation, which the Sarajevans took very seriously. Everyone promptly declared war on each other and we have never trusted traffic wardens since. The Second World War was caused by a lunatic with a moustache. The lesson here is: don't trust men who don't shave. What is weird about North Korea is that it is being run by a man-child who's face is as smooth as a baby's bottom, and the resemblance doesn't stop there: he comes out with all sorts of cr*p.

His latest eye catching initiative is to put America back in its box by threatening them with all out nuclear war. In the inspirational manual of combat attributed to Sun Tzu called The Art of Warfare it states quite clearly that, and I quote: "don't tell the enemy you are going to bomb them back into the stone age before you do it - surprise them, you stupid idiot."

Li'l Fat Kim has taken over from his father and proved himself even more unstable. Perhaps it is his infantile appearance that makes him so bellicose. Maybe he has gas. Either way he seems bent on proving what a man he is by taking his people on the road to a conflict that will be as one sided as an iTunes contract. He wants war with South Korea and America and its allies which includes, well, everyone. Even China and Russia think he's gone too far and the last time they were on the right side of a moral argument was...never.

People of the world, we can not let this pudding of a man take us down the path of strife. Let's keep North Korea connected to the internet. Eventually someone will see it and pass on how lovely is life beyond its borders. I am pretty sure that once they have seen Charlie Bit My Finger and The Sneezing Baby Panda they will be too entertained to start any war. To say nothing of all that porn.