05/02/2013 11:04 GMT | Updated 07/04/2013 06:12 BST

Protect Your Surfaces!

As the multi-billionaire owner of the planet-wide multi-media outlet No Pressure To Be Funny, it is my pleasure to endorse the pages of the homespun little old Huffington Post with this article.

Recently, a small strident group of no doubt well-meaning idealists have been challenging the the central tenets of neo-classical economic theory, the system that serves the majority of mankind so well. (NOTE The term "majority " in this context is used for propaganda purposes only and has no meaning in a traditional arithmetical sense. Terms and conditions apply.)

They ask how the central tenet of the theory, the need for constant growth, can possibly be maintained when we live on a planet of finite resources. It's a good question, but there is a very simple answer: Pretend you didn't hear it. The alternative is too catastrophic to contemplate; a drastic drop in global consumption and a fairer distribution of the planet's resources and wealth. Which frankly would take all the fun out of being a pathologically acquisitive sociopath. (It's not our fault, it's genetic. A disease. Alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, ADD - their sufferers may expect compassion. And yet does the average plundering narcissistic plutocrat receive the sympathy of his fellow man? Does his unfortunate medical condition meet with understanding? Not a bit of it. "You're greedy." You're selfish." ... Where is the love?).

Imagine a world where everyone had enough, a world with no famine ot poverty and where every child had access to free education. Admittedly, there is a superficial attraction, but think again: a fair world would be a world with no need for charity and glamorous fundraising events. Without massive inequality and huge differences in wealth, how could philanthropists show much they care? Where would be our incentive to amass wealth and then let it trickle down? How then would wizened geriatric billionaires get to mate with voluptuous sex goddesses a third their age? How then would our glamorous eugenically nurtured offspring get their photographs into the world's gossip columns and people magazines?

The central character of the neo-classical economic narrative is the Rational Consumer. As we know, all economic choices are made on entirely rational grounds after all information about competing products has been carefully assessed. But the killjoys, enemies of freedom, claim there is no such thing as perfect information. They say that on the contrary, the whole economic system is based on "making us buy sh*t we don't need."

What an insult to the altruistic devotion of the advertsing industry, working tirelessly, selflessly, day and night, to bring us unbiased, accurate and comprehensive information on every product available to mankind. Without advertisng, how would the Indonesian logging worker or the Congolese garbage scavenger know which brand of cigarette will give his life a true sense of existential fulfilment? Without advertising, how would any homemaker understand the importance of buying plutonium-strength anti-bacterial spray to decontaminate our kitchen surfaces? Without advertising we might assume that cleaning with ordinary cleaning products, using common sense and not storing food in the u-bend of our toilets would be enough to guarantee our safety. No!! You need hyper-powerful anti-bacterial spray!! There are evermore powerful germs everywhere, waiting to destroy us all! You cannot rely on common sense and an immune system! Spray! Spray and spray again, or the germs will grow and mutate into gay Islamic benefit scroungers who will occupy your kitchen surfaces and erect tents! They will make banners with slogans and chant unceasingly as you watch TV and try to take careful notes on which rational consumer choices to make next day. They will terrorise ordinary hard-working families! They will demand a transparent tax system.

But stop reading this! More important that you go shopping! You may have inadvertently run low on your stocks of pyramid air-fresheners and then your living room will be entirely bereft of the refreshing aroma of Scandinavian pine forests. And then what would the neighbours think?

Hurry! Keep shopping! Keep buying! Keep borrowing! For freedom, for happiness and for

hygenic kitchen surfaces!